"Waiting for my ride to come, I slipped in a pile of summer slime. Waiting for my time to pass, I slip in a moment of always being right."

Wow. interesting day.

not really, I just thought I'd say that.
well I guess I could call it an interesting day, due to the fact that my whole summer just got turned upside down and there was NO song of the day waiting for me when I got home. hopefully harrryhud will put one up tonight. hopefully.

it's my sisters birthday.
anyways, back to summer:
I don't know what I'm exactly doing but I think it involves me missins something. I feel God calling me away from one thing and to another thing. and it makes me sad. but He is cushioning the blow a little bit. I know that if I miss it, I will be pretty upset.

I'm just not feeling it. lie. I am. but I'm wondering if I should be doing something else instead?
hm. the only bad thing is I have to decide soon on all accounts. i can't wait till past march. but I wanna wait till then. that would give me time.....

I guess I'm just gunna have to trust.
ok, fine I will.

"When I wake, stretching my branches, I find myself in a moment of Weakeness."

ok, well that's about it.
i'm losing everything. and gaining everything.
but i don't own anything. i own all of nothing.

i like the place i'm at right now. give or take some minor (and one major, or two, or...well alot actually) details.
contentness is found in nothingness. and i'm trying Jesus, ok?

"fall down broken, no words spoken, still i love you, come home and soon"

i could listen to Harrison Hudson's voice all day, every day for the rest of my life.
oh. my. gosh. it's just...beautiful.
The red rythem came out today, so in ode to beautiful weather and beutiful music i laced up me shoes and took a three 1/2 mile run (so i could listen to the entire thing duh) and now my legs are killing me and my teeth still hurt. and i am listening to harrison hudson. but probably will switch to some more red rythem. but maybe not. who knows.

im about to start a bunch of more paintings because i've gotten a lot of new ideas. my favorite is from a kdev song called "me and my friends" but i think the next thing i will paint will actually be a really pretty scenery picture from sharptop. i'm using a neutral milk hotel song with that ( king of flowers part 1). i've got some more ideas, i just can't remember them right now. sorry. i really need to write this kind of stuff down. oh ya i remember!!!!

latley i've been drawing objects coming out of eyes, such as flowers, people, and trees. and one day in espanol i was sketching out a tree coming out of an eye, and i just made that eye fit into a face that was laying down, and made each part of the body a different part of a garden. needless to say, it looks pretty crappy but i think i could spruce it up into something pretty sweet. so i'm excited about that, and this tree of life thing ive been drawing (ive been really into trees latley...and water...) but yea. that's all about that.
i guess if i forget now, then i will have here to look!

i wish i had more intelligent, thought provoking things to say. i really just don't.
i drew a cool flower today stuck in a cage from the jon foreman song "broken from the start". i like it a lot. maybe i'll paint that too.

or maybe not.

i just listened to the most beautiful song ever. sorry, i had to say that. it gave me chills.
ok bye now.

"It's pretty but you hate yourself, I can hear it clear as day."

I said I sing like this, it sounds worse than it is. I"m ok, ok. So just stay, just stay.

I had an aweful day yesterday, due to the fact that I had to spend two hours at the dentist with my mouth wide open, get 4 shots and the crap drilled out of my teeth. it hurt like nobody's business and i came home and passed out for two hours and then had to force myself to do three hours of homework and miss younglife. I couldn't chew anything.
so, yay...not really.

new CD comes out today.
Oh the dogs are after me
Bringing judgment on their breath and execution on their teeth
Oh my God, they're after me
So get the hell out of here, after all
I've got to move to be free

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that's what my afternoon will entitle. listening to that.
yes? yes.
on other fun and exciting stuff. i talked to a really awesome "mentor" (you could call her that but i really hate that word...so friend is better) about predestination. and she told me her views.
she said A) she doesn't really concern herself in that bit of theology just because it is an argument that tears up the Body. B) if she did concern herself with it, she doesn't belief in it. Because why would God damn people to hell? doesn't make sense (i totally agree).
I read her the verse in romans about predestination, and she wondered why not everyboyd could be included in that verse. what if Jesus predestines everybody, and it's our own fucked up faults for failing to Love Him?. She thinks that everyone is predestined (why would God create people NOT to be predestined?!) and it is the fall of man/ the power of sin that keeps people away from His love...NOT God Himself.
and i completley agree with her.
and she also said something really cool. what if some people have a moment right before they die where God gives them another moment to reckon with him? I think about that all the time, and I mean, of course no one will ever know about ANY of this stuff for sure, but why not?

plus, if we are NEVER going to know the right answer about any of this stuff, we might as well just pick what we believe, instead of having our churches (our conservative, reformed churches) shove something down our throat and tell us what to believe.
there's more than one way to look at this, more than one way to view it. and any of these ways aren't wrong, because none of them are officially right. we pick what we believe and pursue whole-heartedly the Father behind it.
that's all ive got.

"Soft Silly Music is Meaningful Magical, the Music is Wonderful"

Music makes me feel.

it makes me feel like i can do whatever i want.

on other happy notes, the weather is lovely. i sat outside soaking up the piedmont park rays yesterday feeling completely at bliss. well actually two days ago now.

it was like every single care that was heavy on my chest and heart was lifted for 20 minutes. that hasnt happened in like.....two/three months. maybe....
on other news.
my head is living in a book. my heart is living in a sound. my soul is living in a hope. my lungs are living in preperation for what's to come. my blood is living in a vein.

i had a dream last night (!!) (i never remember my dreams) (it kind of sucks)
but i remembered a little about last night.

i was talking, and saying this phrase/joke thing that this guy from my favorite band says all the time. and he was standing right next to me and he looks at me and smiles and says "i like how this girl thinks."
that's all i can remember. but at least i remembered that much.

i don't want to go to school.
i know what they want and i know they don't want me to stay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

i keep thinking about that chapter in Blue Like Jazz (read it if you haven't) about Don Miller not loving himself and so he won't allow other people to love him.

this is all.

"Means Everything to Nothing"

i am struggling through each new day of school.
and it's sucking pretty awefully.

i hate EVERYTHING about it.

if i had more classes with some certain amazing people. then it would be somewhat diluted into a dull moan of awefullness.
but right now it is the epitome of terrible things and i HATE it.

the only thing keeping me going is nothing.
it means everything to nothing.
the dirtier the sound
the best i breathe
i tried to do it all for you
it didn't do anything for me

ive been talking in song lyrics alot latley.

music. that's keeping me going. not even art right now because i haven't had a burst of creativity in a while which majorly sucks.

jeeze.
i just want this year to end.
i am gunna make it through this year if it kills me. i wonder what john darnielle thought when he wrote those words. if he willed them to be true. if he remenisced on his crappy painful childhood. if he hoped for a better year. probably all of that.

This will be our year
Took a long time to come.

i thought 2009 would be my year like pablo and the zombies said it would.
wrong. aboslutley wrong.
2009 has been fucked since the day it started. i got lost on new years day.
maybe i was never really back on track.

but despite all this shit there is one thing that has been good.
and that's Jesus.
how can everything be so bad, and jesus be so good?
it totally contradicts EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING. but maybe that means everything to nothing.
oh mr. hull in your infinite wisdom, you describe more about me than even i do.
i wish we were married.

oh Jesus in your infinite wisdom, you set chain after chain for me to break and still remain good.
i don't know but im really glad you are who you are.
i guess it's a good thing i am who i am.
but then again, all those everythings might just mean absolutley nothing.
or maybe i've got friends in all the right places.

"Give it up now"

Judy the Alpha Queen know what I'm talking about.
maybe i don't even know what i'm talking about.

have you ever felt like your life is a cycle? and that no matter how much you don't wanna do something, you still have to do it?
there is no way to escape life that is within reason. it just keeps going. time keeps ticking.
how brutal.
how absolutley cruel life can be to a teenage girl just trying to live a life of passion and acceptance and pursuit. and has to instead live a life of pattern and ugliness and quickness.

time seems to be going faster every day and i am not even thinking anymore.
i really think i need to think.

when i realize it's a pattern and not a phase, it's what i've become and it's what i will stay. that's ballgame. (thankyou mr. devine)
it's time for a change.
i'm sinking like a stone in the see. i'm burning like a bridge for your body . (thanks mr. lacey)

i don't know what i'm typing anymore.
i don't know what i'm living anymore.
a pattern. not a phase.
i don't want this to be what i've become and what ill stay. i want to think.

I REALLY THINK I NEED TO THINK.
why can't i think?!
why am i mindless all of a sudden?! i don't think. i just do .
i hate doing. i like thinking.
but not part of my body wants to change that.
i don't know HOW to change that.

give it up now, says judy the alpha queen.
i love judy the alpha queen.
mr. bonz was the first dream i had in a long time. i don't remember what was said, but it was said.
that much i do remember.
mr. bonz, if we ever meet bring dee and ill bring judy and we can have a party and you can teach me how to give it up now.




so that entire blog you probably don't understand.
i wouldn't expect you too.

"As long as I can think I really think I need to think"

I got home yesterday. I don't want to be in today. I want to stay in yesterday, and not be in this moment right now because I have a feeling that this will not be a good day. every part of my body is screaming for me to not be in this moment. but whether i'm ready or not, life keeps moving fast and i have to hope that my legs can move as fast.

it wouldn't be so bad if i was in new york. word.

Sharptop was great and relaxing. i got to talk to a bunch of friends i haven't talked to in a while, and relized how similar we all are in where we are in life right now. give or take the party scene.

we all miss thinking. we just do.
life is to fast for thinking. and we got caught up in the doing.
i want to think again, legitimate thoughts about emotions and standards and beauty and religion and happiness and pain. i don't think anymore i just coast through life doing.
but how do you change that? we can't slow down time. i don't know how we can do it, but in the words of a passionate addict (andy hull) "as long as i can think i really think i need to think".

ill try to do it today. don't know how, but i'll try.