you gave me time, you gave me space, but i ain't never coming back oh it kills me just to speak it out loud.
i hope i can hear that.
really really bad.
ugh. ugh. ugh.
i'm afraid of hearing no, so i never ask.
i need to ask.
maybe my no will be a yes.
8 hours. overnight.
fun. fun. fun.
it has to work right?
itll be beautiful. the most wonderful time of my life.
and i think it will happen.
that's all ive gotta say right now.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
i'm not posting this as john j. audibon
i told myself i would not do this on facebook.
but i secretly have always always always wanted to do this not on facebook.
so i will!
1. If someone says "is this okay", you say? I am trying to break your hear-wilco
2. What would best describe your personality?Give until there's nothing left-Relient K
3. What do you like in a guy/girl? Orange spider-mewithoutYou
4. How do you feel today? Noose like a necklace-kevin devine
5. What is your life's purpose? Skinny love-bon iver
6. What Is Your Motto? Brother-manchester orchestra/annuals
7. What do your friends think of you? white winter hymnal-fleet foxes
8. What do you think of your parents? Wolves (song of the shepard's dog)-iron and wine
9. What do you think about very often? I want a warning-idlewild
10. What is 2 + 2? there goes my gun-pixies
11. What do you think of your best friend? all my loving-beatles
12. What do you think of the person you like? burn to shine-ben harper
13. What is your life story? will i?- rent
14. What do you want to be when you grow up? keeping it down-winston audio
15. What do you think when you see the person you like? my blue heaven-taking back sunday
16. What do your parents think of you? gardenhead/leave me alone-neutral milk hotel
17. What will you dance to at your wedding? in the Lord's arms-ben harper
18. What will they play at your funeral?mykonos-fleet foxes
19. What is your hobby/interest? in love-jon foreman
20. What is your biggest secret? clown-harrison hudson
21. What do you think of your friends?till kingdom come-coldplay
22. What's the worst thing that could happen?we are nowhere and it's now-bright eyes
23. How will you die?showbiz-muse
24. Does anyone like you? dinu lipuati's bones-the mountain goats
25. If you could go back in time, what would you change? father brian finn-right away great captain (song of my life)
26. What hurts right now? how soon is now? -the smiths
27. What will you post this as? john j. audibon-anathallo
but i secretly have always always always wanted to do this not on facebook.
so i will!
1. If someone says "is this okay", you say? I am trying to break your hear-wilco
2. What would best describe your personality?Give until there's nothing left-Relient K
3. What do you like in a guy/girl? Orange spider-mewithoutYou
4. How do you feel today? Noose like a necklace-kevin devine
5. What is your life's purpose? Skinny love-bon iver
6. What Is Your Motto? Brother-manchester orchestra/annuals
7. What do your friends think of you? white winter hymnal-fleet foxes
8. What do you think of your parents? Wolves (song of the shepard's dog)-iron and wine
9. What do you think about very often? I want a warning-idlewild
10. What is 2 + 2? there goes my gun-pixies
11. What do you think of your best friend? all my loving-beatles
12. What do you think of the person you like? burn to shine-ben harper
13. What is your life story? will i?- rent
14. What do you want to be when you grow up? keeping it down-winston audio
15. What do you think when you see the person you like? my blue heaven-taking back sunday
16. What do your parents think of you? gardenhead/leave me alone-neutral milk hotel
17. What will you dance to at your wedding? in the Lord's arms-ben harper
18. What will they play at your funeral?mykonos-fleet foxes
19. What is your hobby/interest? in love-jon foreman
20. What is your biggest secret? clown-harrison hudson
21. What do you think of your friends?till kingdom come-coldplay
22. What's the worst thing that could happen?we are nowhere and it's now-bright eyes
23. How will you die?showbiz-muse
24. Does anyone like you? dinu lipuati's bones-the mountain goats
25. If you could go back in time, what would you change? father brian finn-right away great captain (song of my life)
26. What hurts right now? how soon is now? -the smiths
27. What will you post this as? john j. audibon-anathallo
la-di-da-di-da-di-da-di-da
her name is marcy and she's such a darling, she wears her black eyes instead of fine jewlry.
im hoping for a lot of things right now. and wondering if any of them will come true.
i'm trying not to put God in it, because it will make me dissapointed in Him if stuff doesn't happen.
but it's hard not to blame God. i'm good at that. i do it often.
i just hope everything works out.
i've got more homework than a....well, i just have a lot of homework.
and....that's all i've got.
im hoping for a lot of things right now. and wondering if any of them will come true.
i'm trying not to put God in it, because it will make me dissapointed in Him if stuff doesn't happen.
but it's hard not to blame God. i'm good at that. i do it often.
i just hope everything works out.
i've got more homework than a....well, i just have a lot of homework.
and....that's all i've got.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
feed my presents to the Christians
Ok sorry, but there is something that i really really like that i wanted to put somewhere.
Sunday, best sermon evereverevereverever.
it was on 2 timothy. basically, paul, /9the head hancho beast-man that can convert anybody anytime and take more beatings and hell than any other man and still manage to get on his knees and weep to his Daddy) is on death row, writing to nanny-pants Timothy who gets the terrifying honor of filling Paul's shoes once he his martyered. basically, paul is telling timothy that he has to take the lead, buck up, and get stuff straight with believers. he has to end divisions in churches, ands stuff. and then paul gives the lovley encouragement that in doing this, timothy will most likley have the same fate as paul.
paul died for it.
timothy died for it.
and they knew that they would.
paul could have weasled his way out, if he took back a few things, made some pomises to some romans to never preach again.
but he didn't. he believed in the words in the bible so fiercley that he died for them.
he had such a flame blazing in his soul that he got himself martyered for it.
the bible is power. the bible can get you murdered.
holding in my hands every night is a book that has been the reason behind murders.
the words on the pages that i read is the same truth that people like paul preached and died for.
and yet, i barley take notice to these words.
i scan over them like they are just some silly poem, and close the power up and do it agian the next night.
do i realize that i am reading the most powerful book in the world? the holy spirit LITERALLY lives in the pages, everytime i open up the bible, God pokes his head out. and i pay no attention whatsoever.
people DIED for the truth in ink.
people were beat. bad. just read 1st corinthians 11, or 12? one of those. it says all that paul went through. the countless stonings, the shipwrecks, starvation, whipping, imprisonments, all this terrible stuff, and he did it all for the same book I am holding in my hands.
why do we not regard how powerful the bible is?
because it is. SO powerful.
it is so dangerous. the bible can produce a fire in you that can get you murdered.
holding that book in the wrong country can get you arrested. it is FEARED by people.
am i wiling to die for the truth in the bible? am i willing to give my life completley, like paul and timothy and friends, for the truth?
am i willing to die for anything?
Sunday, best sermon evereverevereverever.
it was on 2 timothy. basically, paul, /9the head hancho beast-man that can convert anybody anytime and take more beatings and hell than any other man and still manage to get on his knees and weep to his Daddy) is on death row, writing to nanny-pants Timothy who gets the terrifying honor of filling Paul's shoes once he his martyered. basically, paul is telling timothy that he has to take the lead, buck up, and get stuff straight with believers. he has to end divisions in churches, ands stuff. and then paul gives the lovley encouragement that in doing this, timothy will most likley have the same fate as paul.
paul died for it.
timothy died for it.
and they knew that they would.
paul could have weasled his way out, if he took back a few things, made some pomises to some romans to never preach again.
but he didn't. he believed in the words in the bible so fiercley that he died for them.
he had such a flame blazing in his soul that he got himself martyered for it.
the bible is power. the bible can get you murdered.
holding in my hands every night is a book that has been the reason behind murders.
the words on the pages that i read is the same truth that people like paul preached and died for.
and yet, i barley take notice to these words.
i scan over them like they are just some silly poem, and close the power up and do it agian the next night.
do i realize that i am reading the most powerful book in the world? the holy spirit LITERALLY lives in the pages, everytime i open up the bible, God pokes his head out. and i pay no attention whatsoever.
people DIED for the truth in ink.
people were beat. bad. just read 1st corinthians 11, or 12? one of those. it says all that paul went through. the countless stonings, the shipwrecks, starvation, whipping, imprisonments, all this terrible stuff, and he did it all for the same book I am holding in my hands.
why do we not regard how powerful the bible is?
because it is. SO powerful.
it is so dangerous. the bible can produce a fire in you that can get you murdered.
holding that book in the wrong country can get you arrested. it is FEARED by people.
am i wiling to die for the truth in the bible? am i willing to give my life completley, like paul and timothy and friends, for the truth?
am i willing to die for anything?
we would have gotten farther if we never really started at all
dun dun, dun dun, dun dun, dun ding don diiinnng ding.
you have to be inside of my head to understand this.
i haven't posted in a few days.
to keep you updated, i am happy as a clam. and hearing and seeing an aweful lot, and not feeling the overbearing drown and gurgle of stress.
it's nice. it's life.
i'm nice. i'm life.
i don't know what to give up. i feel like if i give up food, i will be doing it for all the wrong reasons. but i could give up my lunchtime during school and fast. i met a girl once who did that, she would go somewhere in her school during her lunch, and fast and pray and have jolly good times. where would i go in my school? theres the bathroom, but it smells bad....and people would totally know that i was skipping lunch to hide in the bathroom....
theres the library? a little distracting.
a classroom? nope. humph.
no where.
maybe i wont do that then.
mahybe ill give up facebook? to generic. and i haven't been on facebook as much so that's not really impairing me from God.
ipod? eek. i don't want to.
but that would be the one thing that does put me away from Him more and more.
but i can't possibley imaginve functioning daily without that thing.
maybe God wants to show me how i can.
i don't really want him to. cause i don't wanna give up music. it's too much a part of me. more than God? no. it's different.
i kinda like the lunch idea the more i think about it, but that's just because i'm trying to get my mind of the ipod scenario.
ill pray about it...later.....
i am totally not helping my huge homework load problem.
i have nothing deep to say.
i hope that april 20-something or may 30-something works. i'll MAKE it work heehe.
i applied for ajob at bruster's today.
i um....oh ya, i'm trying to decide what to do about painting classes in april. yey? ney?
depends.
ok that's it now.
you have to be inside of my head to understand this.
i haven't posted in a few days.
to keep you updated, i am happy as a clam. and hearing and seeing an aweful lot, and not feeling the overbearing drown and gurgle of stress.
it's nice. it's life.
i'm nice. i'm life.
i don't know what to give up. i feel like if i give up food, i will be doing it for all the wrong reasons. but i could give up my lunchtime during school and fast. i met a girl once who did that, she would go somewhere in her school during her lunch, and fast and pray and have jolly good times. where would i go in my school? theres the bathroom, but it smells bad....and people would totally know that i was skipping lunch to hide in the bathroom....
theres the library? a little distracting.
a classroom? nope. humph.
no where.
maybe i wont do that then.
mahybe ill give up facebook? to generic. and i haven't been on facebook as much so that's not really impairing me from God.
ipod? eek. i don't want to.
but that would be the one thing that does put me away from Him more and more.
but i can't possibley imaginve functioning daily without that thing.
maybe God wants to show me how i can.
i don't really want him to. cause i don't wanna give up music. it's too much a part of me. more than God? no. it's different.
i kinda like the lunch idea the more i think about it, but that's just because i'm trying to get my mind of the ipod scenario.
ill pray about it...later.....
i am totally not helping my huge homework load problem.
i have nothing deep to say.
i hope that april 20-something or may 30-something works. i'll MAKE it work heehe.
i applied for ajob at bruster's today.
i um....oh ya, i'm trying to decide what to do about painting classes in april. yey? ney?
depends.
ok that's it now.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
"I know you've been abandoned, but don't abandon ship on me."
Just know like a winter white as snow, you've been forgiven. come back to me. i know right now that don't mean anything.
From a father to his daughter
My prodigal child, come back to me
From a sinner to his Maker
Your prodigal son is on his knees
Sweet God, please hold on to me
Sweet God, hold her please, oh please
The day she tries to fly
Hold me, the day I try to fly
come on sam, you don't even have feathers.
good day.
still worrying. but i somehow am realizing I DONT CONTROL ANYTHING. there is nothing for me to control. none of it is mine. NONE.
engrave that in my stubborn head Jesus because it's getting really hard to remember.
i said a comment in class about never dreaming, and last night i had a dream for the first time in a while, and my teacher said that when people don't dream it could be because they are so stressed.
wow. so right.
i feel like i should get a stomach ulser or something from worrying so much.
waisted efforts, silly girl.
you don't own anything to worry about. jeeze.
From a father to his daughter
My prodigal child, come back to me
From a sinner to his Maker
Your prodigal son is on his knees
Sweet God, please hold on to me
Sweet God, hold her please, oh please
The day she tries to fly
Hold me, the day I try to fly
come on sam, you don't even have feathers.
good day.
still worrying. but i somehow am realizing I DONT CONTROL ANYTHING. there is nothing for me to control. none of it is mine. NONE.
engrave that in my stubborn head Jesus because it's getting really hard to remember.
i said a comment in class about never dreaming, and last night i had a dream for the first time in a while, and my teacher said that when people don't dream it could be because they are so stressed.
wow. so right.
i feel like i should get a stomach ulser or something from worrying so much.
waisted efforts, silly girl.
you don't own anything to worry about. jeeze.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
"Calm down, Calm down, it's alright."
how did pablo know to sing this song? i'm not a big fan of the tune, but it keeps chorusing in my head, begging me to calm down.
i'm really trying pablo, i promise.
i've just got to figure a toooonnnnnnn of crap out in the next 48 hours or so and it's eating away at me. i don't know what to do.
i'm really gunna be roughing up my knees tonight that's for sure. and tomorrow. and the next day. i don't know. i just really need to slow down, slow down. calm down calm down, it's alright.
wooosssshhh. breath, sally.
deep.
calm.
still.
deep. quiet. still. calm.
"So raise up and be calm, O Lord
Oh, be calm
Oh, be strong, oh my Goddamn be strong"
oh andy hull. you always know what to say.
i feel calm.
it's time to test what i learned this weekend.
so soon? thanks Jesus.
but i'm not worrried about that. i'm just still on backlash from a year of silence to even think that i'll get what i want to hear. but i'm reading James, which is about faith. faith that is so undying and intense that as followers of Christ we believe it can move mountains. and i've got a lot of mountains in my life right now.
do i really believe that Jesus can move them?
i want to. badly.
james says that faith without action is worthless. if i want faith in Jesus but take no action to listen or learn, it's worthless.
so tonight that's what i'll be doing. reading, and praying and listening. face down. listening. and i'm not getting up until i get some answers.
i'm really trying pablo, i promise.
i've just got to figure a toooonnnnnnn of crap out in the next 48 hours or so and it's eating away at me. i don't know what to do.
i'm really gunna be roughing up my knees tonight that's for sure. and tomorrow. and the next day. i don't know. i just really need to slow down, slow down. calm down calm down, it's alright.
wooosssshhh. breath, sally.
deep.
calm.
still.
deep. quiet. still. calm.
"So raise up and be calm, O Lord
Oh, be calm
Oh, be strong, oh my Goddamn be strong"
oh andy hull. you always know what to say.
i feel calm.
it's time to test what i learned this weekend.
so soon? thanks Jesus.
but i'm not worrried about that. i'm just still on backlash from a year of silence to even think that i'll get what i want to hear. but i'm reading James, which is about faith. faith that is so undying and intense that as followers of Christ we believe it can move mountains. and i've got a lot of mountains in my life right now.
do i really believe that Jesus can move them?
i want to. badly.
james says that faith without action is worthless. if i want faith in Jesus but take no action to listen or learn, it's worthless.
so tonight that's what i'll be doing. reading, and praying and listening. face down. listening. and i'm not getting up until i get some answers.
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