sick.
that's all you need to know.
les miserable.
good play. beautiful story and character.
don't know where that came from. i'm miserable.
but yet, enjoying it. i'm too weak for school. m'sorry moma, whaddiya 'xpect?
i woke up this morning sobbing. prolly cause i was not feeling good, but also because i just can not do school anymore. the days are longer. nothing to look foward to. summer. oh sweet summer. you fool me. i thought we were buds. guess not you asshole.
ya, that's right. i just said it. and i'll say it again. ITS FUCKING APRIL.
i need to be done with school. i honestly can't do it anymore.
m'sorry God, whaddiya 'xpect? i mean, you of all people would know i can't handle this.
there comes a time when enough is enough.
i've had enough.
and yet, there is that tiny tiny microscopic sanity in me that screams at the larger, stronger being inside of me to shutup.
wow God, when did you get so small?
when did satan get that big?
i don't know when. he probably ate a lot of doughnuts and got obese. fatty mcfatso.
God, on the other hand, got anerexic.
oh the irony. not really irony.
my stupid brain.
i don't know what i'm saying.
i'm sick, ok?!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
I tamed a lion once-i stole his roar.
just one of those days where i am constantly reminded how much i am loved and cherrished.
i don't have much more to say.
oh wait, that's a lie.
God has been awesome awesome awesome today.
and kinda creapy, as in he gave me a vision/visual thing of what the fall of man could have possibley looked/felt like.
i'll do my best to describe this intricate picture in my mind:
it really is a fall. Eve is the first one out, falling through time/space/ whatever onto the darkness of earth. she clumps to the ground, clutching her kneees as her swollen, tear streaked face crumbles beneath the emotion she feels. adam is next. it's dark. cold. scary. eve is screaming hard for adam, her voice cracking. she feels alone. all joy gone. God isn't with them anymore. she's blind because she has never seen darkness before, and gropes around for adam to have someone with her. in the process, she strips her pointless clothes off, hoping that would make things better. she vomits up the apple, maybe that would make it better. her hand touches something cold and shaking, adam. a swif breeze comes through, choking the couple as haunting hisses and cracks blow throuhg their brain-satan rules on earth. and he is letting them know that they WILL suffer. after the initial week of regret, shock, fear, and emptiness, the two try to make things work. they farm, pray, scream, eat, adjust.......wondering where God was.
they missed Him.
happy birthday.
i don't have much more to say.
oh wait, that's a lie.
God has been awesome awesome awesome today.
and kinda creapy, as in he gave me a vision/visual thing of what the fall of man could have possibley looked/felt like.
i'll do my best to describe this intricate picture in my mind:
it really is a fall. Eve is the first one out, falling through time/space/ whatever onto the darkness of earth. she clumps to the ground, clutching her kneees as her swollen, tear streaked face crumbles beneath the emotion she feels. adam is next. it's dark. cold. scary. eve is screaming hard for adam, her voice cracking. she feels alone. all joy gone. God isn't with them anymore. she's blind because she has never seen darkness before, and gropes around for adam to have someone with her. in the process, she strips her pointless clothes off, hoping that would make things better. she vomits up the apple, maybe that would make it better. her hand touches something cold and shaking, adam. a swif breeze comes through, choking the couple as haunting hisses and cracks blow throuhg their brain-satan rules on earth. and he is letting them know that they WILL suffer. after the initial week of regret, shock, fear, and emptiness, the two try to make things work. they farm, pray, scream, eat, adjust.......wondering where God was.
they missed Him.
happy birthday.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
"I find Myself in a moment of Weakness."
I miss you mom.
i wanna leave lake wannatonk.
"Mother told me if you join the military you will become the general, if you become a priest you will become the pope, instead i became a painter, and wound up as picasso."
or something like that.
you don't know how high i can fly.
no one does.
i feel like everything i say and everything i do is not the best i can do.
i feel like i am so much more of a person in the pit of my stomach and the inner core of my brain and the slimy middle of my intestines than in my wretched tongue, shallow words and crappy artwork.
there is so much more in me-so much more about me-that i don't wave around.
my colors are thriving on the inside, but the outside remains a dull grey.
why i am so self consciouse about the beauty and passion and mess inside, well that's a good question my God.
the sky cried for me today. the tears i am unable to produce. i can't cry strangley enough. i hate that.
i like to show emotion sometimes. i like to show what i am.
they call holidays an option-it's pretentious. i can feed it with the lions to the christians. those lions are coming. oh they're coming for me. for me.
alaska, you rock. you just flat out amaze me in all the right, wonderful ways. and i thank you for that. for your wonderfulness. color.
maybe ill start my color.
nobody knows my color.
it doesn't have a name, it's too beautiful.
i'm so hidden. but i don't/ i do like that.
when i wake, stretching my limbs, i find myself in a moment of weakness.
gobotron=love.
i wanna leave lake wannatonk.
"Mother told me if you join the military you will become the general, if you become a priest you will become the pope, instead i became a painter, and wound up as picasso."
or something like that.
you don't know how high i can fly.
no one does.
i feel like everything i say and everything i do is not the best i can do.
i feel like i am so much more of a person in the pit of my stomach and the inner core of my brain and the slimy middle of my intestines than in my wretched tongue, shallow words and crappy artwork.
there is so much more in me-so much more about me-that i don't wave around.
my colors are thriving on the inside, but the outside remains a dull grey.
why i am so self consciouse about the beauty and passion and mess inside, well that's a good question my God.
the sky cried for me today. the tears i am unable to produce. i can't cry strangley enough. i hate that.
i like to show emotion sometimes. i like to show what i am.
they call holidays an option-it's pretentious. i can feed it with the lions to the christians. those lions are coming. oh they're coming for me. for me.
alaska, you rock. you just flat out amaze me in all the right, wonderful ways. and i thank you for that. for your wonderfulness. color.
maybe ill start my color.
nobody knows my color.
it doesn't have a name, it's too beautiful.
i'm so hidden. but i don't/ i do like that.
when i wake, stretching my limbs, i find myself in a moment of weakness.
gobotron=love.
Monday, March 23, 2009
a choice is a choice and God I've made it
there are some times when i wonder why i am so fortunate to be listening to such good music sometimes.
art is doing good.
i've got a creative spurt going on and it ROCKS.
i've got a wonderful wonderful ear.
and an aweful present-day future.
i argues alot.
and hate myself a lot.
but i love something. that's why i'm still here right?
right.
it has to be. there's something holding me on to this earth, my own personal gravity.
there's still something.
art is doing good.
i've got a creative spurt going on and it ROCKS.
i've got a wonderful wonderful ear.
and an aweful present-day future.
i argues alot.
and hate myself a lot.
but i love something. that's why i'm still here right?
right.
it has to be. there's something holding me on to this earth, my own personal gravity.
there's still something.
last night i sat with my legs hanging out of my window and i sang. it was so great.
i realllllyyy reallyyy enjoy a couple people at my school. on saturday i went downtown with them and i felt like i was living a movie with a bunch of misfits from mean girls. it was AWESOME.
if only i had classes with them. i think i would enjoy school if i did. but it's ok. maggie and me deviced a plan and it's going into action today. i'm a bohemian storm brewing. a sunset lightning in my bones. and i'm ok.
And I have been feeling this good for a reasonMy friends and my family
You all are my backbone
You keep me balanced and settled
And I'm in debt to you all endlessly.
this is double spacing for some reason. annoying.
shake it out. shake it out. love you judy the alpha queen.
Monday, March 16, 2009
I know what they want, and i know they don't want me to stay.
aweful day.
i've got friends in all the right places, i know what they want and i know they don't want me to stay.
the dirtier the soun the best i breath, i tried to do it all for you, it didn't do anything for me.
i can't play where i'm not supposed to be, anways.
it really was just a terrible day.
i skipped class.
i nearly broke down in tears.
i yelled at someone.
and i don't understand math.
i'm going to go releave my stress now.
thankyou paint.
and thankyou mr. hull . for speaking words when i can't.
as cheesy and true as that is.
"be calm, oh my God i am strong.
am i strong?"
LA-DI-DA-DI-DA-DI-DA-DI-DA.
grow some wings.
i know judy the alpha queen, i know.....
it's hard.
my prayers are so strong and full of want and need that they have stopped becoming words and started becoming a deep feeling/emotion that is too strong to formulate into words. that's a good and bad thing i guess.
i've got friends in all the right places, i know what they want and i know they don't want me to stay.
the dirtier the soun the best i breath, i tried to do it all for you, it didn't do anything for me.
i can't play where i'm not supposed to be, anways.
it really was just a terrible day.
i skipped class.
i nearly broke down in tears.
i yelled at someone.
and i don't understand math.
i'm going to go releave my stress now.
thankyou paint.
and thankyou mr. hull . for speaking words when i can't.
as cheesy and true as that is.
"be calm, oh my God i am strong.
am i strong?"
LA-DI-DA-DI-DA-DI-DA-DI-DA.
grow some wings.
i know judy the alpha queen, i know.....
it's hard.
my prayers are so strong and full of want and need that they have stopped becoming words and started becoming a deep feeling/emotion that is too strong to formulate into words. that's a good and bad thing i guess.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
"your still just a little girl"
time ticks.
and life moves.
and i stay. wanting nothing to happen. wanting nothing to go on.
just to stay.
i spent my morning with passion and poverty lifting up my father on my knees with about a hundred homeless men and women and about 50 others coming from all walks of life.
and i saw the cries of the opressed and heard the stories of the redeemed. we don't truly love and live for God until we give everything we have.
until we put down our crack pipes in the church offering and never pick one up again.
until we die to ourselves.
until we die to the world.
well i've been dead for a while.
and i've been yearning for a while.
it's not hard to see if you open your eyes.
i want to be in new york so bad it hurts every part of my body.
the deep pit of my soul and heart ache for the city.
every part of me longssss to be there.
i long to be there.
i want a lot of stuff right now. but i'm not gunna get a lot of stuff right now.
but that's life.
it's not made to be fair, or enjoyble, or easy.
it's made to be screwed up.
oh my God, my God, where is your kingdom?
oh my Child, my Child, where IS my kingdom?
yea, we get it. well, i get it. it's here. but we aren't.
nobody lives the kingdom anymore described in micah and the gospels and revelations.
nobody takes the word of life, the word of the martyrs seriously.
i'm beginning to take it seriously.
"don't you know i'm not a martyr, but you're making me believe"
the last one :[
"Among the great clouds, marketed in an unwitting way, I strolled (trickled lightly). Using mystical powers I emerged from the encumbered hole that then relapsed and relapsed into itself OVER and OVER and OVER. Of course I was worried, but I had no choice but to simply move on. I had come here with nothing and damnit I'll leave here with nothing. These marks on my arm are beginning to worry me more though...They're beginning to itch and ooze and coil together. I'll find water soon. I just have to keep moving. "
and life moves.
and i stay. wanting nothing to happen. wanting nothing to go on.
just to stay.
i spent my morning with passion and poverty lifting up my father on my knees with about a hundred homeless men and women and about 50 others coming from all walks of life.
and i saw the cries of the opressed and heard the stories of the redeemed. we don't truly love and live for God until we give everything we have.
until we put down our crack pipes in the church offering and never pick one up again.
until we die to ourselves.
until we die to the world.
well i've been dead for a while.
and i've been yearning for a while.
it's not hard to see if you open your eyes.
i want to be in new york so bad it hurts every part of my body.
the deep pit of my soul and heart ache for the city.
every part of me longssss to be there.
i long to be there.
i want a lot of stuff right now. but i'm not gunna get a lot of stuff right now.
but that's life.
it's not made to be fair, or enjoyble, or easy.
it's made to be screwed up.
oh my God, my God, where is your kingdom?
oh my Child, my Child, where IS my kingdom?
yea, we get it. well, i get it. it's here. but we aren't.
nobody lives the kingdom anymore described in micah and the gospels and revelations.
nobody takes the word of life, the word of the martyrs seriously.
i'm beginning to take it seriously.
"don't you know i'm not a martyr, but you're making me believe"
the last one :[
"Among the great clouds, marketed in an unwitting way, I strolled (trickled lightly). Using mystical powers I emerged from the encumbered hole that then relapsed and relapsed into itself OVER and OVER and OVER. Of course I was worried, but I had no choice but to simply move on. I had come here with nothing and damnit I'll leave here with nothing. These marks on my arm are beginning to worry me more though...They're beginning to itch and ooze and coil together. I'll find water soon. I just have to keep moving. "
Thursday, March 12, 2009
"Most days I can't put to rest the burning city smoking in my mind."
40 million refugees with no place on this earth to call their home....One for every aimless graduate with nothing else to show for it but loans....And those of us who make a mark using someone else's blood....Our western stain won't wash away, won't vanish in the flood.....It's just deeper with each hurricane and tidal wave and war
We want everything we see and once it's gone we just want more
thankyou kevin devine for being the sun on my face. you are so wonderful.
because i still can't seem to satisfy my craving for it : (and i have nothing else to say, my head hurts like nobody's business)
"OH, I never want to sleep again. Sick memories and dyer puppies scatter amongst the shadows of the moon-lit grass. Im surprised, and no, I shall never re-evaluate the newness of love. It shant be here again. Quick, Quigly, march the temple floors callous and hard; Impending recompense and goulash fear, languid in its sense and form and trials. Be my savior."
i might have put this one already. but i'll do it again. i'm tired. i like it.
off to bed-o. exhausted.
state game tomorrow.
yay?
in the blood of the martyr is the seed of the church.
the peace of the revolution is in the wind of the spirit.
the movement of Christ is in every single particle alive on this earth.
and we are the body, broken and shattered and beautiful and wonderful.
and the slaughtered lamb reigns as king over our lives. and our citizenship in heaven just came down to earth. because His kingdom is growing. right out of our very souls.
night.
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