we all know art is hard, when you don't know who you are

i just wanna be real.

after all, i am not trying to mirror reality, or what has already been done.
i am trying to create my own.

manchester orchestra. i know i'm over obsessed with you.
but there is just something about you that. i can't explain.


i love seeing Jesus in the pagans.

i see Jesus in everything.

i'm really starting to.
i'd rather marry besty ross. at least she knows the difference between red white and blue, not just black and white.

I scream for all the right reasons.

I just had a revalation.

i can't even spell revalation. is that right?
anyways. i had a revalation. and then a revalation about having a revalation.

and Jesus spoke to me. and i feel peaceful now about everything that i was thinking about.
because it just...answered itself.

oh the power of prayer, i am already beginning to see your mystical ways.
well, just this.
but hey man, that's ok with me, yea it's ok with me.

i can't wait to get back to the face of You tomorrow night.
you're ok with me, yea you're ok with me.

and i'm glad you love me Daddy.
because if you're ok with me than i'm ok with me.
and i'm beginning to honestly and truley be ok with me.
but nobody's God.

let my pride be what's left behind.

My pride is left behind.

i feel new.

i feel...bold. alive. me. myself. i feel humble. He is my humble.

again, Jesus you speak to me through the crossdressing heroine addicts who shoot up just to feel, through the alcoholic musicians that play and scream just to feel, through the normal, average joe runaways who are dying just to feel.
you speak to me in a way i understand.
you know me so well Daddy.

and you took my pride and left it behind.

i'll write more later. i have to go to school.

after all, it's you , my PRIDE, and me.

I can't stop thinking about that boy i saw on easter sunday.

i can't stop thinking about my future.
i cant stop thinking about what i want.
i can't stop thinking.

and yet when i turn it on, everything floods away and new thoughts, emotions, and feelings start to form. brand new. i welcome them, and we sit around and spit out ideas of what we want the world to be like and how we feel.
they comfort me and excite me and calm me and trouble me.
and i love them so much.
it's a masterpiece.

and i've decided at this very moment that i will not stop.
and i will never be jealous of her again.
no one can tell me that i can't do this.
especially myself.
this might not make since to you, but you aren't her. she's mad at you right now. and that's bugging me more than i thought it would. i don't know why. it angers me, upsets me, and the sinful side of me gets excited, almost delighted.
i'm such a screwed up person.
but i've decided right this very moment that she is not better than me.
we are different. more different than i thought we were.
WAY more different than i thought we were.
but this just proves how similar we are. are we similar?
i dont' know. i don't know what i think about all this.


my soul feels on fire right now. ripping open to let in this new art. it makes every part of my body filled with light. i can feel it from the tips of my ears to the bottom of my feet.
i can feel the most wonderful passion pooring into my body.

i need another one to incubate the sound.


oh gosh. i can't stop thinking about that man i saw at easter service.
not like, "oh my gosh he's so hot" (he was tho...) but i'm thinking about the struggles he's going through, the prayers he is praying..the life he is sharing with his Lord.

i want a man like that.
i want college.
this is long.
after all, its you, my pride, and me.

i just need 100 dollars from you

i am literally blwon away by the music i am listening to right now.


no words can describe the beauty flowing through my ears.

that's it.

"I am gunna make it through this year if it kills me"

i really am.
today has been a miracle easter. i dont know why i just said that. but it has.
i kinda came to a few realizations today. and they brought me back to You. and it's all for You. i don't care about politics. i don't care about the army. i don't care about people. or about differences. or about hymns or sappy music or lack of prayer. all I care about is knowing the face of my God. and what that face looks, feels, and acts like.
to me.

and i want to know that more than anything else right now.
tonight feels like a window open candle-lit acapello worship night to me.

oh the joys of being a little girl with a big God.
who takes care of even the GoldRush blues-which are fixed, fyi.
and it's all because of the beautiful male God put diagonally to me at church.
ps Jesus, i would really like a husband like him for the record.

Even if you need it all, my shoulder is a place your head can fall

Well spring break has gone by so much faster than i wanted. but that's life.
it's times like right now that i wonder so much about existance. the storm is shattering at my windows begging to come in and here i sit watching my family play an intense game of rummikub to get my young sister's minds off of the storm. and i am here.
wondering about so much stuff. stressing about so much stuff. at peace about so much stuff. my life is a delicate string wrapped around a tree.


i just have a lot on my mind about stuff. A LOT on my mind.
i need to get it all out. but here isn't the place. and now isn't the time.

oh sally you silly little girl. you have no reason and yet every reason.
you tried. you honestly tried.

it's not over yet.
i would pray about it. but haven't seemed to be doing that much latley.



breath like the water coming down from the sky. crying.
what a Good Friday.
Jesus i know we don't hang out as much. but i love you so much daddy. you've given me a Good Friday.

I've got a chip on my shoulder that's bigger than
The mountains you said my belief could move
Far be it from me to question your methods
But how could you save me from drowning asleep on the shore?
The devil is in my bed
I want to know what keeps him fed
The cancer in between us only quietly resists
Sometimes I wish you'd just wake up and show me
A wave of your hand and you'd calm the storm
Instead you assure me that I'm not alone here
And tell me my faith is too small and I'm closing the door
If even the wind and the waves would obey you
The rocks would grow lungs if you asked them to
Then how can a man with such righteous intentions
Be so cavalier with his shame while he's begging for more?

"division of man."

i love it.
so good.
i can't wait for april and 3 weeks and counting for all the wonders to come.
i don't feel like explaining it. but i can't wait for it.


still really sick.
doctor tomorrow.
this blows.
i can't do anything. i'm sitting here, just took a shower for the first time since monday (yea, i know...). i can't paint, do homework, read, anything. just watch tv and listen to music.

by the way, whitest kids u'know is HALARIOUS.
i'm obsessed with trevor moore. basically.
obrotherandalaskawillyouaskahimnicelyidontknowbutimobsessedwithyouireallyamohandyoutoobbwithyourdinosaursandalphaqueens.



confusing. sorry.
i'm going to go lay down now.
bye.