I dream of the Osaka sun

Jealousy will be the death of me.


sometimes even the right is wrong.

life in technicolor i and ii

My life is finally starting to make since.

I understand dead kings.
I understand my technicolored life.

i understand the whisper in the screaming.
and the yes despite the no.

as we speak, my kings are being slaughtered. and it's a nice feeling.

of course, they will come back. there are a lot of kings.
i feel gross and excercised. i took a run and i have to babysit a little girl for the next 4 days from 8-5. it's going to be a long week. such a long week.


but i am a technicolored life.
i am a technicolored life. there is no one like me.

fasting tomorrow.
because questions of science and progress don't speak as loud as my heart.
quote of my life.


and it's true. it is so true.
back to dying just for You.
life just makes absoultley no sense and yet all the sense. i have no sense. i'm probabbly spelling it wrong.

but i don't care.

SMALL

i am.
i am, i am, i am.

my summer continues to flip flop as i am asked to give up more and more to gain much and much.
sacrifice for sacrifice.

but i'm still feeling uneasy about this.
but Jesus knows what he's doing...i'm ok. he knows whats going to happen.



"Tell me your own Politik."

science and progress do not speak as loud as my heart

That lyrics chorused through my head ALL day. from the moment i woke up until now....
it has a new meaning-everything has a new meaning.

i feel opposite from you. it feels so odd but in a way we are always opposite. i am finding life in things again. my cold is thawing and the Butterfly is exploding.

i am living. i am seeing Jesus in everything. worship songs were so old and bland and dry to me and now i am finding new ways to worship and new ways to pray and devout myself.
Fast Day One:
wonderful.
the real reason i wanted to do it was a mixture of things. but the main thing was to be dependent. to realize i am not cool. i am not normal. i am not of this world and of the urges of this world. i can resist. i can be different. but i can't do it alone. and so i fasted. and i craved. and i didn't. and i yearned. and i forgot. and i continuoulsy saw my Jesus sweeping his fingers through my hair. and "Science and progress do not speak as loud as my heart" became a new meaning to me. Jesus is bigger than science and instincts of "survival".

i am so small.
chris martin is so small.
but He is so big.



I don't mind not being cool.
in fact, i prefer it.

"I sing about almost everything"

What a good day.
who would of thought that the day that has been on our whiteboard all year in green marker with orange zigzag "important" bubbles around it would end up being good??
but it was wonderful and relaxing and sunburning and refreshing and everything i love about summer. there are reasons i want to leave, but this would be a reason i want to stay.

i still can't stop thinking about it.

i feel like i'm already going and i am just beyond excited to actually be there.
but i'm not.
i need to clean my room. i need to set my heart straight.

i've been talking to You more latley. you like to talk back which makes me happy.
we sing together a lot more.
i sing about almost anything latley.

i feel like my spirit is becoming much more free.
i am a barefoot free spirit and i like that right now.
and Jesus likes it to.
and if i stay or if i go. he will still like me.
i like knowing he likes me.

All of everything, erased.

You don't know how High i can FLy.

"i just wanna be big, fierce, a lion. a monster. huge. big. a bear on stage. intimidating."
"i sit there and think. about zombies, and stuff....but mainly about zombies."

it's not over. i am going to make it. this week will not kick my ass anymore. i will make it. it's ok. it's ok. we're ok. i'm ok. ok. ok. ok


i'm 50 dollars richer.
i'm 1000 dollars in debt.

i'm not through till i'm through.

and i'm not through yet.
oh kdev. you would make this evening better. if i could just have you blare of society in my ears with sweat pouring down my face and happiness covering my body.
surrounded like a pita. enthralled in the simplest things.
oh you simple girl.
grow some goddamn wings.

i am completley fine. i just need 100 dollars.

i bet marcus doesn't have his licence either. i bet he failed too.

Andy Hull's Hymn.

is real.







i'm through in all ways.

we all know art is hard, when you don't know who you are

i just wanna be real.

after all, i am not trying to mirror reality, or what has already been done.
i am trying to create my own.

manchester orchestra. i know i'm over obsessed with you.
but there is just something about you that. i can't explain.


i love seeing Jesus in the pagans.

i see Jesus in everything.

i'm really starting to.
i'd rather marry besty ross. at least she knows the difference between red white and blue, not just black and white.

I scream for all the right reasons.

I just had a revalation.

i can't even spell revalation. is that right?
anyways. i had a revalation. and then a revalation about having a revalation.

and Jesus spoke to me. and i feel peaceful now about everything that i was thinking about.
because it just...answered itself.

oh the power of prayer, i am already beginning to see your mystical ways.
well, just this.
but hey man, that's ok with me, yea it's ok with me.

i can't wait to get back to the face of You tomorrow night.
you're ok with me, yea you're ok with me.

and i'm glad you love me Daddy.
because if you're ok with me than i'm ok with me.
and i'm beginning to honestly and truley be ok with me.
but nobody's God.

let my pride be what's left behind.

My pride is left behind.

i feel new.

i feel...bold. alive. me. myself. i feel humble. He is my humble.

again, Jesus you speak to me through the crossdressing heroine addicts who shoot up just to feel, through the alcoholic musicians that play and scream just to feel, through the normal, average joe runaways who are dying just to feel.
you speak to me in a way i understand.
you know me so well Daddy.

and you took my pride and left it behind.

i'll write more later. i have to go to school.

after all, it's you , my PRIDE, and me.

I can't stop thinking about that boy i saw on easter sunday.

i can't stop thinking about my future.
i cant stop thinking about what i want.
i can't stop thinking.

and yet when i turn it on, everything floods away and new thoughts, emotions, and feelings start to form. brand new. i welcome them, and we sit around and spit out ideas of what we want the world to be like and how we feel.
they comfort me and excite me and calm me and trouble me.
and i love them so much.
it's a masterpiece.

and i've decided at this very moment that i will not stop.
and i will never be jealous of her again.
no one can tell me that i can't do this.
especially myself.
this might not make since to you, but you aren't her. she's mad at you right now. and that's bugging me more than i thought it would. i don't know why. it angers me, upsets me, and the sinful side of me gets excited, almost delighted.
i'm such a screwed up person.
but i've decided right this very moment that she is not better than me.
we are different. more different than i thought we were.
WAY more different than i thought we were.
but this just proves how similar we are. are we similar?
i dont' know. i don't know what i think about all this.


my soul feels on fire right now. ripping open to let in this new art. it makes every part of my body filled with light. i can feel it from the tips of my ears to the bottom of my feet.
i can feel the most wonderful passion pooring into my body.

i need another one to incubate the sound.


oh gosh. i can't stop thinking about that man i saw at easter service.
not like, "oh my gosh he's so hot" (he was tho...) but i'm thinking about the struggles he's going through, the prayers he is praying..the life he is sharing with his Lord.

i want a man like that.
i want college.
this is long.
after all, its you, my pride, and me.

i just need 100 dollars from you

i am literally blwon away by the music i am listening to right now.


no words can describe the beauty flowing through my ears.

that's it.

"I am gunna make it through this year if it kills me"

i really am.
today has been a miracle easter. i dont know why i just said that. but it has.
i kinda came to a few realizations today. and they brought me back to You. and it's all for You. i don't care about politics. i don't care about the army. i don't care about people. or about differences. or about hymns or sappy music or lack of prayer. all I care about is knowing the face of my God. and what that face looks, feels, and acts like.
to me.

and i want to know that more than anything else right now.
tonight feels like a window open candle-lit acapello worship night to me.

oh the joys of being a little girl with a big God.
who takes care of even the GoldRush blues-which are fixed, fyi.
and it's all because of the beautiful male God put diagonally to me at church.
ps Jesus, i would really like a husband like him for the record.

Even if you need it all, my shoulder is a place your head can fall

Well spring break has gone by so much faster than i wanted. but that's life.
it's times like right now that i wonder so much about existance. the storm is shattering at my windows begging to come in and here i sit watching my family play an intense game of rummikub to get my young sister's minds off of the storm. and i am here.
wondering about so much stuff. stressing about so much stuff. at peace about so much stuff. my life is a delicate string wrapped around a tree.


i just have a lot on my mind about stuff. A LOT on my mind.
i need to get it all out. but here isn't the place. and now isn't the time.

oh sally you silly little girl. you have no reason and yet every reason.
you tried. you honestly tried.

it's not over yet.
i would pray about it. but haven't seemed to be doing that much latley.



breath like the water coming down from the sky. crying.
what a Good Friday.
Jesus i know we don't hang out as much. but i love you so much daddy. you've given me a Good Friday.

I've got a chip on my shoulder that's bigger than
The mountains you said my belief could move
Far be it from me to question your methods
But how could you save me from drowning asleep on the shore?
The devil is in my bed
I want to know what keeps him fed
The cancer in between us only quietly resists
Sometimes I wish you'd just wake up and show me
A wave of your hand and you'd calm the storm
Instead you assure me that I'm not alone here
And tell me my faith is too small and I'm closing the door
If even the wind and the waves would obey you
The rocks would grow lungs if you asked them to
Then how can a man with such righteous intentions
Be so cavalier with his shame while he's begging for more?

"division of man."

i love it.
so good.
i can't wait for april and 3 weeks and counting for all the wonders to come.
i don't feel like explaining it. but i can't wait for it.


still really sick.
doctor tomorrow.
this blows.
i can't do anything. i'm sitting here, just took a shower for the first time since monday (yea, i know...). i can't paint, do homework, read, anything. just watch tv and listen to music.

by the way, whitest kids u'know is HALARIOUS.
i'm obsessed with trevor moore. basically.
obrotherandalaskawillyouaskahimnicelyidontknowbutimobsessedwithyouireallyamohandyoutoobbwithyourdinosaursandalphaqueens.



confusing. sorry.
i'm going to go lay down now.
bye.

"I can't find the word i'm looking for"

sick.
that's all you need to know.


les miserable.

good play. beautiful story and character.
don't know where that came from. i'm miserable.
but yet, enjoying it. i'm too weak for school. m'sorry moma, whaddiya 'xpect?

i woke up this morning sobbing. prolly cause i was not feeling good, but also because i just can not do school anymore. the days are longer. nothing to look foward to. summer. oh sweet summer. you fool me. i thought we were buds. guess not you asshole.

ya, that's right. i just said it. and i'll say it again. ITS FUCKING APRIL.
i need to be done with school. i honestly can't do it anymore.
m'sorry God, whaddiya 'xpect? i mean, you of all people would know i can't handle this.
there comes a time when enough is enough.
i've had enough.

and yet, there is that tiny tiny microscopic sanity in me that screams at the larger, stronger being inside of me to shutup.
wow God, when did you get so small?
when did satan get that big?
i don't know when. he probably ate a lot of doughnuts and got obese. fatty mcfatso.
God, on the other hand, got anerexic.
oh the irony. not really irony.
my stupid brain.
i don't know what i'm saying.
i'm sick, ok?!

I tamed a lion once-i stole his roar.

just one of those days where i am constantly reminded how much i am loved and cherrished.

i don't have much more to say.
oh wait, that's a lie.

God has been awesome awesome awesome today.
and kinda creapy, as in he gave me a vision/visual thing of what the fall of man could have possibley looked/felt like.

i'll do my best to describe this intricate picture in my mind:

it really is a fall. Eve is the first one out, falling through time/space/ whatever onto the darkness of earth. she clumps to the ground, clutching her kneees as her swollen, tear streaked face crumbles beneath the emotion she feels. adam is next. it's dark. cold. scary. eve is screaming hard for adam, her voice cracking. she feels alone. all joy gone. God isn't with them anymore. she's blind because she has never seen darkness before, and gropes around for adam to have someone with her. in the process, she strips her pointless clothes off, hoping that would make things better. she vomits up the apple, maybe that would make it better. her hand touches something cold and shaking, adam. a swif breeze comes through, choking the couple as haunting hisses and cracks blow throuhg their brain-satan rules on earth. and he is letting them know that they WILL suffer. after the initial week of regret, shock, fear, and emptiness, the two try to make things work. they farm, pray, scream, eat, adjust.......wondering where God was.

they missed Him.


happy birthday.

"I find Myself in a moment of Weakness."

I miss you mom.
i wanna leave lake wannatonk.

"Mother told me if you join the military you will become the general, if you become a priest you will become the pope, instead i became a painter, and wound up as picasso."

or something like that.
you don't know how high i can fly.
no one does.

i feel like everything i say and everything i do is not the best i can do.
i feel like i am so much more of a person in the pit of my stomach and the inner core of my brain and the slimy middle of my intestines than in my wretched tongue, shallow words and crappy artwork.
there is so much more in me-so much more about me-that i don't wave around.
my colors are thriving on the inside, but the outside remains a dull grey.
why i am so self consciouse about the beauty and passion and mess inside, well that's a good question my God.

the sky cried for me today. the tears i am unable to produce. i can't cry strangley enough. i hate that.
i like to show emotion sometimes. i like to show what i am.
they call holidays an option-it's pretentious. i can feed it with the lions to the christians. those lions are coming. oh they're coming for me. for me.


alaska, you rock. you just flat out amaze me in all the right, wonderful ways. and i thank you for that. for your wonderfulness. color.

maybe ill start my color.
nobody knows my color.
it doesn't have a name, it's too beautiful.
i'm so hidden. but i don't/ i do like that.



when i wake, stretching my limbs, i find myself in a moment of weakness.
gobotron=love.

a choice is a choice and God I've made it

there are some times when i wonder why i am so fortunate to be listening to such good music sometimes.

art is doing good.

i've got a creative spurt going on and it ROCKS.

i've got a wonderful wonderful ear.

and an aweful present-day future.



i argues alot.



and hate myself a lot.

but i love something. that's why i'm still here right?

right.

it has to be. there's something holding me on to this earth, my own personal gravity.



there's still something.

last night i sat with my legs hanging out of my window and i sang. it was so great.

i realllllyyy reallyyy enjoy a couple people at my school. on saturday i went downtown with them and i felt like i was living a movie with a bunch of misfits from mean girls. it was AWESOME.

if only i had classes with them. i think i would enjoy school if i did. but it's ok. maggie and me deviced a plan and it's going into action today. i'm a bohemian storm brewing. a sunset lightning in my bones. and i'm ok.

And I have been feeling this good for a reasonMy friends and my family

You all are my backbone

You keep me balanced and settled

And I'm in debt to you all endlessly.

this is double spacing for some reason. annoying.

shake it out. shake it out. love you judy the alpha queen.

I know what they want, and i know they don't want me to stay.

aweful day.


i've got friends in all the right places, i know what they want and i know they don't want me to stay.

the dirtier the soun the best i breath, i tried to do it all for you, it didn't do anything for me.

i can't play where i'm not supposed to be, anways.



it really was just a terrible day.
i skipped class.
i nearly broke down in tears.
i yelled at someone.
and i don't understand math.


i'm going to go releave my stress now.
thankyou paint.


and thankyou mr. hull . for speaking words when i can't.
as cheesy and true as that is.


"be calm, oh my God i am strong.
am i strong?"

LA-DI-DA-DI-DA-DI-DA-DI-DA.
grow some wings.

i know judy the alpha queen, i know.....

it's hard.


my prayers are so strong and full of want and need that they have stopped becoming words and started becoming a deep feeling/emotion that is too strong to formulate into words. that's a good and bad thing i guess.

"your still just a little girl"

time ticks.
and life moves.
and i stay. wanting nothing to happen. wanting nothing to go on.
just to stay.

i spent my morning with passion and poverty lifting up my father on my knees with about a hundred homeless men and women and about 50 others coming from all walks of life.
and i saw the cries of the opressed and heard the stories of the redeemed. we don't truly love and live for God until we give everything we have.
until we put down our crack pipes in the church offering and never pick one up again.

until we die to ourselves.
until we die to the world.

well i've been dead for a while.
and i've been yearning for a while.
it's not hard to see if you open your eyes.

i want to be in new york so bad it hurts every part of my body.
the deep pit of my soul and heart ache for the city.
every part of me longssss to be there.

i long to be there.
i want a lot of stuff right now. but i'm not gunna get a lot of stuff right now.
but that's life.
it's not made to be fair, or enjoyble, or easy.
it's made to be screwed up.

oh my God, my God, where is your kingdom?
oh my Child, my Child, where IS my kingdom?
yea, we get it. well, i get it. it's here. but we aren't.

nobody lives the kingdom anymore described in micah and the gospels and revelations.
nobody takes the word of life, the word of the martyrs seriously.

i'm beginning to take it seriously.

"don't you know i'm not a martyr, but you're making me believe"

the last one :[
"Among the great clouds, marketed in an unwitting way, I strolled (trickled lightly). Using mystical powers I emerged from the encumbered hole that then relapsed and relapsed into itself OVER and OVER and OVER. Of course I was worried, but I had no choice but to simply move on. I had come here with nothing and damnit I'll leave here with nothing. These marks on my arm are beginning to worry me more though...They're beginning to itch and ooze and coil together. I'll find water soon. I just have to keep moving. "

"Most days I can't put to rest the burning city smoking in my mind."

40 million refugees with no place on this earth to call their home....One for every aimless graduate with nothing else to show for it but loans....And those of us who make a mark using someone else's blood....Our western stain won't wash away, won't vanish in the flood.....It's just deeper with each hurricane and tidal wave and war

We want everything we see and once it's gone we just want more

thankyou kevin devine for being the sun on my face. you are so wonderful.

because i still can't seem to satisfy my craving for it : (and i have nothing else to say, my head hurts like nobody's business)

"OH, I never want to sleep again. Sick memories and dyer puppies scatter amongst the shadows of the moon-lit grass. Im surprised, and no, I shall never re-evaluate the newness of love. It shant be here again. Quick, Quigly, march the temple floors callous and hard; Impending recompense and goulash fear, languid in its sense and form and trials. Be my savior."

i might have put this one already. but i'll do it again. i'm tired. i like it.

off to bed-o. exhausted.
state game tomorrow.
yay?


in the blood of the martyr is the seed of the church.
the peace of the revolution is in the wind of the spirit.
the movement of Christ is in every single particle alive on this earth.
and we are the body, broken and shattered and beautiful and wonderful.
and the slaughtered lamb reigns as king over our lives. and our citizenship in heaven just came down to earth. because His kingdom is growing. right out of our very souls.

night.

"Someday boy you're gunna break those chains"

come on jamie....


harrison hudson continuously makes my day a million and two times better.
i want to marry you. and have you sing to me every night before we go to bed.
and kiss you all the time.

ok i'm done.

i conked out after school and was rudely awoken an hour and a half later to go to the final 4 bball game for tuc. we won. state friday. beasts.

i swear they should make a movie about our school. we are dirt broke and are winning state in more than one sport. we have no football field and no gym. ironic isn't it?
at least make a movie about the bball team...it could rival coach carter (amazing movie btw)
i would watch it :]

i'm so flipping tired. and i have math to do and showers to take..
i would rather sleep.

"you MUST sleep man"
fine mr. hull. gosh.
um. so yes, i'm ready to hear about my summer plans. as in, NOW. right NOW.
"calm down, calm down, it's alright."
i want some mellow mushroom please.


in other nonsense, my license would be a huge wonderful niceness, that and being 18 years old for two days.
ugh. i can't see my hubby (well one of them) because i'm too teensy.
sucks. everything. dirty.

and math is basically eating me alive.








GODDAMNIT SALLY GIVE IT UP NOW.

well judy the alpha queen you always say that too me, but HOW?!

"It's Collateral damage, it's the cost of war"

it's another bag of bones for the gods to sort.
it's just another bag of bones for the gods to sort.


and there's NOTHING left over to go get no more.
it's not what we're owed but it's what we've earned. it's closer than we realize.
it's time now to burn.


kevin devine will you marry me?


i keep having to rub my temples and tell myself two things.
that i am not in control of anything at all whatsoever.
and that the force in charge of everything happens to be my Dad who will work all things out for the most amazing times of my life. and trust trust trust will be my best friend right now.

"i do not exist" we faithfully insist.

only you exist.

"when your chances fall in your lap like that, you gotta recognize them for what they really are"

i climb in shotgun and reach into his mouth, and grab on to one long sharp tooth and hold on.
for dear life.

i really don't have much to say except how deeply much I love Jesus.
it's really just intensifying every day. He is so much more of a PHYSICAL presence in my life and mind and body. sometimes, when i ask HIm too, right before I'm sleeping He'll put His arms around me.
and peace flows.

i don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life, but i know how i'm going to do it.

judy the alpha queen told me it's going to be epic. different. and true and beautiful.

i just ate a lot of cake and i shouldn't have.
i walked home from school today with MO blaring in my ears, and i just felt like everything was waking up to great me. like the Earth and the trees and the wind were all dancing right in front of me, telling me to arise and ignite and burn with passion.

i've got some homework to do. and some reading to do.
good books have been some of my friends latley.


oh jermaine and brett, i wish you would dine with me tonight.
well definitley brett, and i guess jermaine can come to. but i have to apologize in advanced for staring, there is just something so intensley ugly about you.

"Man, I've been wasting so much time"

Walking the same street every night
Don't you think it's about time?


i'm reading the best book ever. and it's literally changing everything i have ever thought about everything.
i don't care if it makes me sound like an idiot, at least i have my own opinions now. i feel like before, i just ate up what people fed me, but now i'm hunting my own food. and i like it. it gives me a sense of direction and individuality. and i like it.

because i can't get enough of this:

"Oh, good grief. Distant croup from the Pharaoh finds himself at a disadvantage. I'm a colleague of a distant grudge. I cannot imagine what this all means and even more than that I cannot find my own firm grip to grapple onto. Sift. That's the word I meant to mean and all I ever wanted was to figure all of this to pieces. No, No, No, you're wrong you fool. Please, be normal. Please...single unaccompanied grudge, flee and cling to the ugly single-most feeling you can find. None of this is kosher, none of this is right. I will write a song to find the meaning of meaning and I will soon return to Oglethorpe in a masterful manner. Only I, only I will respond to the glory that is what has come to be. Figuratively of course. Only in that...only in the simple mindset of a simple man will I, Sebastian, crumble 'neath the ridiculous love that besets me now."

again, you amaze me with your infinite beatuy and wisdom.



i was thinking about this earlier today: i literally have no life at school. no friends. i mean i have friends at younglife. but not at school. different. poo.
i have this vivd on-going daydream of my two best friends going to my school, and i literally think about that nonstop my entire day. if they were there, what would i be talking about? how incredibly cool would we be? they would have my back and we would do everything together.

i walk around my hallways thinking that if they were with me we probably would be linking arms and talking and laughing and loving and being.

how free would we be.

unfortunatley that is not the case. and i love and hate that.
i've wasted so much time to not stop now.
this piece of gum is stale and flavorless. my life isn't tho. and i love that. i love that.

something for the road was going to be put, but it was taken away and this was put instead.... so here ya go:
I swung my fiery sword;
I vent my spleen at the Lord.
He is abstract and bored -
too much milk and honey.

man, i liked the other one better. oh well.

marinated meat smells good. so do nails in wood.
so does ink on paper, paint on canvas, eyes on bible, sounds in eardrums, shoes off feat, heat on high, dirt under fingernails....

"i spit and scream what's done is done"

go make your peace with everyone.

God's economy is abundant says Shane. I am so excited to soon be able to live fully and abundantly off God.
to let my belly grumble with the starving children of the world. to give everything i have away, and yet gain the economy of God. and you can hold me to it, because i will give everything away. why should i have two coats and a homeless dude have none?


i think our world deeply misinterprets some scripture, and it's up to us to go back and interpret it in a way that puts fire in our souls and burns to be released. study the word, not just absorb the words and interpretations that others portray. because the bible is a living, breathing book with more than one way to look at it. i notice that i definitley have a one-way view of the bible and scrupitures in my mind from old sunday school classes and even from recent church sermons. but i read the scripture and come out with something completley different. the mystery of God is that is word is alive. it speaks. and i think our society watered down the Word. we water down what God is really calling us to do-to DIE unto ourselves and to give EVERYTHING away. the words of paul are very literal. they aren't just metaphors, or little suggestions that don't really mean what they say. no, paul was a guy. he was direct and to the point. he doesn't bullshit his way through stuff, he deliberatly says what he means.

and if you look at his life, you know he lived what he meant. and so did Jesus.

i am the biggest culprit of viewing the bible lightly.
the words on the pages are living and breathing and power and Jesus. and they give us instructions. and we brush it off, return to our materialistic worlds and tithe once a month. what the hell is wrong the the church?!

on a totally and ridiculously different note:

"OH GODDESS......
PLEASE, MY DARLING OF ENCUMBERED DELIGHT, SHALLOW WATERS DIVINE, COME FORTH. IN GLORIOUS DESIGN, I WONDER HOW (IN GOD'S MIGHTY RAGE) I FOUND YOU DESTINED HERE FOR (ALL UNMIGHTY GREATNESS) IN A SINGLE MISSHAPPEN....FUCK THIS. I'M SORRY MOM BUT I CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHAT IS RIGHT OR GODLY OR HOLY OR GIGGLY. I'M PSYCHED, BUT STIGMATIC. I FEEL ABSOLUTELY REDICULOUS AND I CANNOT WAIT TO GET BACK ONTO THE ROAD...MAYBE THEN IT WONT FEEL SO STAGNANT. MAYBE THEN I WON'T HAVE TO DESIRE SO MUCH CHANGE. YOU INCREDULOUS MONKEY. "

i really just love this man. with all my heart.

"I wanna be your fever, just to know i make you heated"

kinda scandelous.

oh well.

this is totally random, but i was thinking about johnny appleseed today.
i never think about him anymore.
it brought me back to a 7 year-old mindset.
i thought johnny appleseed was the SHIT. like, seriously. i thought he was SO cool. i wanted to do something impactful with my life like that. i pictured him really strong and burly and yet peaceful and harmonious with the anture around him. i picture him tenderly handling the seeds he planted and smiling with delight as they sprouted up.

why don't i ever think of johnny appleseed anymore?
my 7-year-old imagination was much more vivid and colorful and wonderful, it made my living so fun, and everything was a story to live out. i pictured my life like a book, each page elaboratley illustrated with beautiful words forming my actions. now, i feel like my life is a boring chalk board, that is outdated and a hassle. no matter how hard you try, it just can't always be clean, and it can't always be pretty. you can never make chalk THAT pretty. not like a story book.

i wish i was seven again.


i wanna find you chasing all the dreams you had, when you were just a little girl. i wanna hold you, when this broken world gets scary, cause you're still just a little girl.

"the results are back, now it's time to pack"

surely you'll understand that only gifted hands will recieve the chance to touch down on fortune.


snow.
beautiful gifts from God like this just make me happy.
i don't care if it's corny, it's what i see.

you have my jacket :]

this week is just going to be good, because i feel so good about everything right now.
i am so excited and happy and delighted and everything is just good.

i have an egg roll waiting for me in the fridge, i just had some deliecious coffee and am about to get some more, i have some homework waiting for me on the couch, but i don't mind doing it.
once i'm done, i have the beautiful feeling of relief and an episode of the office, along with a fresh new jane austen book or shane claiborne book to read, and hopefully a scary movie with the brother later tonight.
and then a beautiful night of sleep in andy devine, and tomorrow i will just have a splendid day of music listening, painting and wonderful blissfullness in the quiet confines of my own house.

i mean, it's not flight of the conchords awesome, but it gets pretty close.

i just feel like me and Jesus are pretty loveley right now, and that just makes everything in life seem so good.
I can feel Him around me. it's cool. like, latley i've been having a literal conversation with Him all the time. and i can feel His arms around me.
it's just...good. and basic. exactly what i am not.

hide, hide, you've got nothing to hide.

you gave me time, you gave me space, but i ain't never coming back oh it kills me just to speak it out loud.


i hope i can hear that.
really really bad.

ugh. ugh. ugh.

i'm afraid of hearing no, so i never ask.
i need to ask.
maybe my no will be a yes.

8 hours. overnight.
fun. fun. fun.

it has to work right?
itll be beautiful. the most wonderful time of my life.
and i think it will happen.

that's all ive gotta say right now.

i'm not posting this as john j. audibon

i told myself i would not do this on facebook.
but i secretly have always always always wanted to do this not on facebook.
so i will!

1. If someone says "is this okay", you say? I am trying to break your hear-wilco

2. What would best describe your personality?Give until there's nothing left-Relient K

3. What do you like in a guy/girl? Orange spider-mewithoutYou

4. How do you feel today? Noose like a necklace-kevin devine

5. What is your life's purpose? Skinny love-bon iver

6. What Is Your Motto? Brother-manchester orchestra/annuals

7. What do your friends think of you? white winter hymnal-fleet foxes

8. What do you think of your parents? Wolves (song of the shepard's dog)-iron and wine

9. What do you think about very often? I want a warning-idlewild

10. What is 2 + 2? there goes my gun-pixies

11. What do you think of your best friend? all my loving-beatles

12. What do you think of the person you like? burn to shine-ben harper

13. What is your life story? will i?- rent

14. What do you want to be when you grow up? keeping it down-winston audio

15. What do you think when you see the person you like? my blue heaven-taking back sunday

16. What do your parents think of you? gardenhead/leave me alone-neutral milk hotel

17. What will you dance to at your wedding? in the Lord's arms-ben harper

18. What will they play at your funeral?mykonos-fleet foxes

19. What is your hobby/interest? in love-jon foreman

20. What is your biggest secret? clown-harrison hudson

21. What do you think of your friends?till kingdom come-coldplay

22. What's the worst thing that could happen?we are nowhere and it's now-bright eyes

23. How will you die?showbiz-muse

24. Does anyone like you? dinu lipuati's bones-the mountain goats

25. If you could go back in time, what would you change? father brian finn-right away great captain (song of my life)

26. What hurts right now? how soon is now? -the smiths

27. What will you post this as? john j. audibon-anathallo

la-di-da-di-da-di-da-di-da

her name is marcy and she's such a darling, she wears her black eyes instead of fine jewlry.


im hoping for a lot of things right now. and wondering if any of them will come true.
i'm trying not to put God in it, because it will make me dissapointed in Him if stuff doesn't happen.

but it's hard not to blame God. i'm good at that. i do it often.

i just hope everything works out.

i've got more homework than a....well, i just have a lot of homework.
and....that's all i've got.

feed my presents to the Christians

Ok sorry, but there is something that i really really like that i wanted to put somewhere.
Sunday, best sermon evereverevereverever.
it was on 2 timothy. basically, paul, /9the head hancho beast-man that can convert anybody anytime and take more beatings and hell than any other man and still manage to get on his knees and weep to his Daddy) is on death row, writing to nanny-pants Timothy who gets the terrifying honor of filling Paul's shoes once he his martyered. basically, paul is telling timothy that he has to take the lead, buck up, and get stuff straight with believers. he has to end divisions in churches, ands stuff. and then paul gives the lovley encouragement that in doing this, timothy will most likley have the same fate as paul.

paul died for it.
timothy died for it.
and they knew that they would.

paul could have weasled his way out, if he took back a few things, made some pomises to some romans to never preach again.
but he didn't. he believed in the words in the bible so fiercley that he died for them.
he had such a flame blazing in his soul that he got himself martyered for it.

the bible is power. the bible can get you murdered.
holding in my hands every night is a book that has been the reason behind murders.
the words on the pages that i read is the same truth that people like paul preached and died for.
and yet, i barley take notice to these words.
i scan over them like they are just some silly poem, and close the power up and do it agian the next night.

do i realize that i am reading the most powerful book in the world? the holy spirit LITERALLY lives in the pages, everytime i open up the bible, God pokes his head out. and i pay no attention whatsoever.

people DIED for the truth in ink.
people were beat. bad. just read 1st corinthians 11, or 12? one of those. it says all that paul went through. the countless stonings, the shipwrecks, starvation, whipping, imprisonments, all this terrible stuff, and he did it all for the same book I am holding in my hands.

why do we not regard how powerful the bible is?
because it is. SO powerful.

it is so dangerous. the bible can produce a fire in you that can get you murdered.
holding that book in the wrong country can get you arrested. it is FEARED by people.

am i wiling to die for the truth in the bible? am i willing to give my life completley, like paul and timothy and friends, for the truth?

am i willing to die for anything?

we would have gotten farther if we never really started at all

dun dun, dun dun, dun dun, dun ding don diiinnng ding.

you have to be inside of my head to understand this.
i haven't posted in a few days.
to keep you updated, i am happy as a clam. and hearing and seeing an aweful lot, and not feeling the overbearing drown and gurgle of stress.

it's nice. it's life.
i'm nice. i'm life.

i don't know what to give up. i feel like if i give up food, i will be doing it for all the wrong reasons. but i could give up my lunchtime during school and fast. i met a girl once who did that, she would go somewhere in her school during her lunch, and fast and pray and have jolly good times. where would i go in my school? theres the bathroom, but it smells bad....and people would totally know that i was skipping lunch to hide in the bathroom....

theres the library? a little distracting.
a classroom? nope. humph.
no where.

maybe i wont do that then.
mahybe ill give up facebook? to generic. and i haven't been on facebook as much so that's not really impairing me from God.
ipod? eek. i don't want to.
but that would be the one thing that does put me away from Him more and more.
but i can't possibley imaginve functioning daily without that thing.
maybe God wants to show me how i can.

i don't really want him to. cause i don't wanna give up music. it's too much a part of me. more than God? no. it's different.
i kinda like the lunch idea the more i think about it, but that's just because i'm trying to get my mind of the ipod scenario.


ill pray about it...later.....

i am totally not helping my huge homework load problem.
i have nothing deep to say.
i hope that april 20-something or may 30-something works. i'll MAKE it work heehe.
i applied for ajob at bruster's today.
i um....oh ya, i'm trying to decide what to do about painting classes in april. yey? ney?
depends.

ok that's it now.

"I know you've been abandoned, but don't abandon ship on me."

Just know like a winter white as snow, you've been forgiven. come back to me. i know right now that don't mean anything.
From a father to his daughter
My prodigal child, come back to me
From a sinner to his Maker
Your prodigal son is on his knees
Sweet God, please hold on to me
Sweet God, hold her please, oh please
The day she tries to fly
Hold me, the day I try to fly

come on sam, you don't even have feathers.



good day.
still worrying. but i somehow am realizing I DONT CONTROL ANYTHING. there is nothing for me to control. none of it is mine. NONE.

engrave that in my stubborn head Jesus because it's getting really hard to remember.

i said a comment in class about never dreaming, and last night i had a dream for the first time in a while, and my teacher said that when people don't dream it could be because they are so stressed.

wow. so right.
i feel like i should get a stomach ulser or something from worrying so much.
waisted efforts, silly girl.
you don't own anything to worry about. jeeze.

"Calm down, Calm down, it's alright."

how did pablo know to sing this song? i'm not a big fan of the tune, but it keeps chorusing in my head, begging me to calm down.
i'm really trying pablo, i promise.

i've just got to figure a toooonnnnnnn of crap out in the next 48 hours or so and it's eating away at me. i don't know what to do.
i'm really gunna be roughing up my knees tonight that's for sure. and tomorrow. and the next day. i don't know. i just really need to slow down, slow down. calm down calm down, it's alright.

wooosssshhh. breath, sally.
deep.
calm.
still.
deep. quiet. still. calm.

"So raise up and be calm, O Lord
Oh, be calm
Oh, be strong, oh my Goddamn be strong"
oh andy hull. you always know what to say.
i feel calm.

it's time to test what i learned this weekend.
so soon? thanks Jesus.
but i'm not worrried about that. i'm just still on backlash from a year of silence to even think that i'll get what i want to hear. but i'm reading James, which is about faith. faith that is so undying and intense that as followers of Christ we believe it can move mountains. and i've got a lot of mountains in my life right now.
do i really believe that Jesus can move them?
i want to. badly.
james says that faith without action is worthless. if i want faith in Jesus but take no action to listen or learn, it's worthless.

so tonight that's what i'll be doing. reading, and praying and listening. face down. listening. and i'm not getting up until i get some answers.

"Where have we been?"

interesting question. where HAVE we been God?
i know where you have been. but where have I been? how have i gotten to where i am today?
i feel like everything about me is different from three years ago when i first started following you. i'm not even sure if i really and truly loved You when i "prayed the prayer". i wanted to. but i don't know if i did. I'm not sure when i really first started loving you. it just...happened. there isn't a specific time. i wish i could remember....

i do remember my thinking changing. my darkest nights and my brightest days. i remember when i shouted out praises to you one night and the next night cuss you out. i remember feeling more complete and loved one day, and a week later going through some of the darkest times of my life.

i remember shouting to you daily for an entire 6 months "GOD, MY GOD, WHERE EXACTLY HAVE YOU BEEN?" and i remember feeling my face lifted off from the ground the night you answered. surprisingly in the same way. "child, my child, where have YOU been?"

so now, where have we been? where are we going?

i consumed my school day reading the irresistible revolution (amazing amazing amazing) and i gotta say, all i really wanna do now is sell everything i have to follow Jesus wherever He takes me.
i want to love without limits and without fear. and give everything God has given me so that others may see Him in me.
because i do not exist, i faithfully insist. only you exist.

so with all that said. high school seems pointless to finish with so many people out there hurting. why do i have to spend two more years here when i could be out there?
i can't wait to find out where we will go.

"Who is your Humble?"

How does He Humble you?




i am waisting my time writing all this.
i have a huge test tomorrow and i am hardly prepared but that doesn't seem to be bothering me. I gave that worry away on Saturday and it really did work. wow Jesus you actually do know what you are talking about with me. You won't let me mess up my life because you will catch me.

that's really all i want to say today.
i ate a lot of chocolate today and i feel kind of sick.
i caught up on some much needed sleep.
i did in fact make my 25 facts note on facebook. :[
i wish i could go back and relive this past weekend.
i wish i could go buy a hammock.

ummm.....
that's all i've got.

Hide- you've got nothing to hide
But you're under the thumb of Creation
With your mouth full of sand and your silence in hand
You will sink like a stone all the way back home
Oh what a clear and beautiful day
And I, with my pruning shears,
Think I'll go down to the subway train
And cultivate what I hear
The melody's ripe- the rhythm beats true
And that glorious harmony clear
Their voices, they reach, like light through a pane
Of stained glass, to my ears

"We are FREE, woooahhhohhah"

I just got back from the beautiful mountains of Tennessee, where every single breeze of wind screams the glory of God (in my opinion at least).

let me tell you, best weekend I could have asked for.
i went totally unplugged. I capped my pen for journaling, i closed my thoughts off and I attempted to listen to my Dad. needless to say, give a girl two hours in the most beatiful spot ever, she is bound to hear something. good or bad, she WILL hear.

i heard. through the freezing of my feet, the physical fight I had with my black worries, through the disection and casting of those worries, through the birds catching fish and the breeze blowing through my hair and the wind stopping the lake when it was time for me to be STILL.
oh yes, I heard.

and i heard even later, when the music was shouting praises and all i could do was surrender everything and make each word i sang as true a statement to my heart and to my God as possible. if i couldn't, i wouldn't sing it.
i am so rejuvinated from the chaos of this burdened world. I am sitting here in my dad's arms and I am loving loving LOVING the beautiful stuff he is showing and teaching me.

i just drank some green tea, and i am about to go figure out a schedule for my new quiet times and later watch some nick and norah's infinite playlist and take a shower and paint a little maybe and do laundry and then crash in burn to some sleep.

tomorrow i will get back into the funk of the world and study. and i will cast each burden of mine onto my peaceful God.
and see where that takes me.

"unveil my life. take away my disguise. make me all for you. there is solace in Your solitude."

i 100% believe that.
i 100% believe in you.
i think i might go to that 25 facts note on facebook. i just want to. don't judge me, OK?!
hehe.

"In a Sweater Poorly Knit"

I am leaving today in aproximetley one hour. i can't spell.

i'm excited. i wasn't, but now I am. I'm just ready to be surrounded by natural beauty and people who love me and i love them. and a God who loves me and i love Him. we just don't get to see each other that much in atlanta. but I try, i really do.

like today. i went on a three hour drive with my momma to get some hours in, and i wanted to go downtown. so we took ponce all the way down there (which really isn't that far) and we went down some awesome streets and my favorite song was blaring through the speaker and I just saw God. specifically when we drove through little 5 and my heart not only broke one thousand times for all the homeless/druggies on the street, but also rejoiced for the fact that I would one day meet them, or people like them that is.
and my soul yearned for the city.
and I saw God.

and that started to get me excited for this little outing I'm going on. to tennessee.
i will be best friends with solitude, with silence, with the wind.
and my ears will be on and my mouth will be off and my heart will be open and my mouth will be closed. and i will just BE.

no worry zone.
no stressing zone.
God I just hope we get some noise out of this. and not just me. please please please.
don't worry, He said of course we will.

since my heart is already in my throat I just wanna throw out there to the internet and whoever the hell reads this (probably only like one person, but whatever)
that I am giving it up now. Judy got to me.
this weekend is my trust weekend. i'll probabbly do something really stupid like jump off a cliff.

hopefully not though.
ok well on that happy note. i'll go pack now.
see you folk(s?) sunday.
can't say that i will miss you (whoever you may be, but certainly not my reader because i will in fact be with her) but anyways.




i wanna taste a vortex cheeseburger and feel the needles on my colar bone and hear the beats throb through my earloabs and feel the hands of the dispared squezing mine.
ugh. i wanna HAVE MY LICENSE!

ok now, for real i'm going.
um bye.

"Waiting for my ride to come, I slipped in a pile of summer slime. Waiting for my time to pass, I slip in a moment of always being right."

Wow. interesting day.

not really, I just thought I'd say that.
well I guess I could call it an interesting day, due to the fact that my whole summer just got turned upside down and there was NO song of the day waiting for me when I got home. hopefully harrryhud will put one up tonight. hopefully.

it's my sisters birthday.
anyways, back to summer:
I don't know what I'm exactly doing but I think it involves me missins something. I feel God calling me away from one thing and to another thing. and it makes me sad. but He is cushioning the blow a little bit. I know that if I miss it, I will be pretty upset.

I'm just not feeling it. lie. I am. but I'm wondering if I should be doing something else instead?
hm. the only bad thing is I have to decide soon on all accounts. i can't wait till past march. but I wanna wait till then. that would give me time.....

I guess I'm just gunna have to trust.
ok, fine I will.

"When I wake, stretching my branches, I find myself in a moment of Weakeness."

ok, well that's about it.
i'm losing everything. and gaining everything.
but i don't own anything. i own all of nothing.

i like the place i'm at right now. give or take some minor (and one major, or two, or...well alot actually) details.
contentness is found in nothingness. and i'm trying Jesus, ok?

"fall down broken, no words spoken, still i love you, come home and soon"

i could listen to Harrison Hudson's voice all day, every day for the rest of my life.
oh. my. gosh. it's just...beautiful.
The red rythem came out today, so in ode to beautiful weather and beutiful music i laced up me shoes and took a three 1/2 mile run (so i could listen to the entire thing duh) and now my legs are killing me and my teeth still hurt. and i am listening to harrison hudson. but probably will switch to some more red rythem. but maybe not. who knows.

im about to start a bunch of more paintings because i've gotten a lot of new ideas. my favorite is from a kdev song called "me and my friends" but i think the next thing i will paint will actually be a really pretty scenery picture from sharptop. i'm using a neutral milk hotel song with that ( king of flowers part 1). i've got some more ideas, i just can't remember them right now. sorry. i really need to write this kind of stuff down. oh ya i remember!!!!

latley i've been drawing objects coming out of eyes, such as flowers, people, and trees. and one day in espanol i was sketching out a tree coming out of an eye, and i just made that eye fit into a face that was laying down, and made each part of the body a different part of a garden. needless to say, it looks pretty crappy but i think i could spruce it up into something pretty sweet. so i'm excited about that, and this tree of life thing ive been drawing (ive been really into trees latley...and water...) but yea. that's all about that.
i guess if i forget now, then i will have here to look!

i wish i had more intelligent, thought provoking things to say. i really just don't.
i drew a cool flower today stuck in a cage from the jon foreman song "broken from the start". i like it a lot. maybe i'll paint that too.

or maybe not.

i just listened to the most beautiful song ever. sorry, i had to say that. it gave me chills.
ok bye now.

"It's pretty but you hate yourself, I can hear it clear as day."

I said I sing like this, it sounds worse than it is. I"m ok, ok. So just stay, just stay.

I had an aweful day yesterday, due to the fact that I had to spend two hours at the dentist with my mouth wide open, get 4 shots and the crap drilled out of my teeth. it hurt like nobody's business and i came home and passed out for two hours and then had to force myself to do three hours of homework and miss younglife. I couldn't chew anything.
so, yay...not really.

new CD comes out today.
Oh the dogs are after me
Bringing judgment on their breath and execution on their teeth
Oh my God, they're after me
So get the hell out of here, after all
I've got to move to be free

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that's what my afternoon will entitle. listening to that.
yes? yes.
on other fun and exciting stuff. i talked to a really awesome "mentor" (you could call her that but i really hate that word...so friend is better) about predestination. and she told me her views.
she said A) she doesn't really concern herself in that bit of theology just because it is an argument that tears up the Body. B) if she did concern herself with it, she doesn't belief in it. Because why would God damn people to hell? doesn't make sense (i totally agree).
I read her the verse in romans about predestination, and she wondered why not everyboyd could be included in that verse. what if Jesus predestines everybody, and it's our own fucked up faults for failing to Love Him?. She thinks that everyone is predestined (why would God create people NOT to be predestined?!) and it is the fall of man/ the power of sin that keeps people away from His love...NOT God Himself.
and i completley agree with her.
and she also said something really cool. what if some people have a moment right before they die where God gives them another moment to reckon with him? I think about that all the time, and I mean, of course no one will ever know about ANY of this stuff for sure, but why not?

plus, if we are NEVER going to know the right answer about any of this stuff, we might as well just pick what we believe, instead of having our churches (our conservative, reformed churches) shove something down our throat and tell us what to believe.
there's more than one way to look at this, more than one way to view it. and any of these ways aren't wrong, because none of them are officially right. we pick what we believe and pursue whole-heartedly the Father behind it.
that's all ive got.

"Soft Silly Music is Meaningful Magical, the Music is Wonderful"

Music makes me feel.

it makes me feel like i can do whatever i want.

on other happy notes, the weather is lovely. i sat outside soaking up the piedmont park rays yesterday feeling completely at bliss. well actually two days ago now.

it was like every single care that was heavy on my chest and heart was lifted for 20 minutes. that hasnt happened in like.....two/three months. maybe....
on other news.
my head is living in a book. my heart is living in a sound. my soul is living in a hope. my lungs are living in preperation for what's to come. my blood is living in a vein.

i had a dream last night (!!) (i never remember my dreams) (it kind of sucks)
but i remembered a little about last night.

i was talking, and saying this phrase/joke thing that this guy from my favorite band says all the time. and he was standing right next to me and he looks at me and smiles and says "i like how this girl thinks."
that's all i can remember. but at least i remembered that much.

i don't want to go to school.
i know what they want and i know they don't want me to stay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

i keep thinking about that chapter in Blue Like Jazz (read it if you haven't) about Don Miller not loving himself and so he won't allow other people to love him.

this is all.

"Means Everything to Nothing"

i am struggling through each new day of school.
and it's sucking pretty awefully.

i hate EVERYTHING about it.

if i had more classes with some certain amazing people. then it would be somewhat diluted into a dull moan of awefullness.
but right now it is the epitome of terrible things and i HATE it.

the only thing keeping me going is nothing.
it means everything to nothing.
the dirtier the sound
the best i breathe
i tried to do it all for you
it didn't do anything for me

ive been talking in song lyrics alot latley.

music. that's keeping me going. not even art right now because i haven't had a burst of creativity in a while which majorly sucks.

jeeze.
i just want this year to end.
i am gunna make it through this year if it kills me. i wonder what john darnielle thought when he wrote those words. if he willed them to be true. if he remenisced on his crappy painful childhood. if he hoped for a better year. probably all of that.

This will be our year
Took a long time to come.

i thought 2009 would be my year like pablo and the zombies said it would.
wrong. aboslutley wrong.
2009 has been fucked since the day it started. i got lost on new years day.
maybe i was never really back on track.

but despite all this shit there is one thing that has been good.
and that's Jesus.
how can everything be so bad, and jesus be so good?
it totally contradicts EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING. but maybe that means everything to nothing.
oh mr. hull in your infinite wisdom, you describe more about me than even i do.
i wish we were married.

oh Jesus in your infinite wisdom, you set chain after chain for me to break and still remain good.
i don't know but im really glad you are who you are.
i guess it's a good thing i am who i am.
but then again, all those everythings might just mean absolutley nothing.
or maybe i've got friends in all the right places.

"Give it up now"

Judy the Alpha Queen know what I'm talking about.
maybe i don't even know what i'm talking about.

have you ever felt like your life is a cycle? and that no matter how much you don't wanna do something, you still have to do it?
there is no way to escape life that is within reason. it just keeps going. time keeps ticking.
how brutal.
how absolutley cruel life can be to a teenage girl just trying to live a life of passion and acceptance and pursuit. and has to instead live a life of pattern and ugliness and quickness.

time seems to be going faster every day and i am not even thinking anymore.
i really think i need to think.

when i realize it's a pattern and not a phase, it's what i've become and it's what i will stay. that's ballgame. (thankyou mr. devine)
it's time for a change.
i'm sinking like a stone in the see. i'm burning like a bridge for your body . (thanks mr. lacey)

i don't know what i'm typing anymore.
i don't know what i'm living anymore.
a pattern. not a phase.
i don't want this to be what i've become and what ill stay. i want to think.

I REALLY THINK I NEED TO THINK.
why can't i think?!
why am i mindless all of a sudden?! i don't think. i just do .
i hate doing. i like thinking.
but not part of my body wants to change that.
i don't know HOW to change that.

give it up now, says judy the alpha queen.
i love judy the alpha queen.
mr. bonz was the first dream i had in a long time. i don't remember what was said, but it was said.
that much i do remember.
mr. bonz, if we ever meet bring dee and ill bring judy and we can have a party and you can teach me how to give it up now.




so that entire blog you probably don't understand.
i wouldn't expect you too.

"As long as I can think I really think I need to think"

I got home yesterday. I don't want to be in today. I want to stay in yesterday, and not be in this moment right now because I have a feeling that this will not be a good day. every part of my body is screaming for me to not be in this moment. but whether i'm ready or not, life keeps moving fast and i have to hope that my legs can move as fast.

it wouldn't be so bad if i was in new york. word.

Sharptop was great and relaxing. i got to talk to a bunch of friends i haven't talked to in a while, and relized how similar we all are in where we are in life right now. give or take the party scene.

we all miss thinking. we just do.
life is to fast for thinking. and we got caught up in the doing.
i want to think again, legitimate thoughts about emotions and standards and beauty and religion and happiness and pain. i don't think anymore i just coast through life doing.
but how do you change that? we can't slow down time. i don't know how we can do it, but in the words of a passionate addict (andy hull) "as long as i can think i really think i need to think".

ill try to do it today. don't know how, but i'll try.

two for one special---lists.

I don't know why I'm posting twice in one day.

oh well.

I'm going to sharptop cove tomorrow. thankyou Jesus.
I'm excited to see God move in my friends. or just to see God move. I've been seeing that more latley, but I am either to absorbed in myself, bitter with the world, or busy to watch. now i'm still absorbed in myself, bitter with the world AND busy. but i am making a very strong effort to watch Him. to listen. to follow.

i stoped following a long time ago.
i thought i could lead.

can't.

but ive been listing all the times I see God at school this week, and the list isn't very long but I actually really enjoy doing this. Like I got an A on a math test, I heard a weakerthans song on the radio, it rained on mondy (my favorite weather on my least favorite day)...stuff like that.
the basics that we don't think about...the every little details that have a fate just like us. and it's so fucking cool to look around and see my big God changing and working with those right in front of my very eyes.

if i could only see this awesome power in my own life.....

People are so Fickle.

Why do decisions have to be so hard to make?
and why do names have to be so hard to keep?
a name is everything. or, i should say title. titles are everything in this world.
like last names. i mean, if you are related to someone famous, you've got a bigger title. and people view you by that title. the fame title. and then your name, your small, beautiful name, is now under the title of the famous relative.

you lose your name, and gain a fucking title. so harsh. less personal. stupid.

and then you are judged on everything you do, and the title of those things.
JV sports? title goes up if you're on varisty. just a member of a club? title goes up if you're the president. AP classes? title goes up if you're in IB.
so now the activities that one has to do in order to be a member of society become stripped down to tasks to keep up a title. who gives a shit about the activity itself, or even more the person that is performing the activity? no, no it's allll about the title. how good you look.

everything is titled. everything is labled. everyone is judged.

and that is in my opinion the corruption of our world. that people have to look for a title, a label. People have to see that everything is judged. everyone is put in a label. everything is as good as it can get (if they have potential) or as bad as they can get (if they are a lost cause).

why can't we all just LIVE? L-I-V-E. as life was intended. without all this title bullshit, and with NAMES. real names that give you character and personality and life and your own legacy.

i want my name back.

fuck titles.

The Name

It's actually kinda cool how I came up with the name of this blog....not that I'm writing to anybody, but i'm going to type this anyway. This whole thing is so silly because i intend for no one to see it. But i mean, notes on facebook get a little annoying after a while and you can only put so much every so often, and it has to be censored.
and typing out on word everything i want to say just seems lame...so this was my alternative.

ANYWHO. back to the name.

So, I was reading this interview by my two favorite singer/songwriters in the whole world. These boys are beautiful in everything they do. from the music they make to the way they conduct their lives, they are just beautiful. passionate in all areas of life. both of them could be argues as alcoholics and one of them definitley is an addict. his last album to come out was all about his addictions to numerous drugs and how he was trying to cut it out (it was brilliant by the way). but yea, so the guys were talking about their hopes for one of the guys new records (bare with me...im not using names because i have this fantasy that one day both musicians will read this...crazy, i know.) and they asked the interviewer what his hopes for the record were. he wanted it to be good. and the addict looks as him in all honesty and fullness and says "that's a good and basic hope" (hence the URL). and i just thought that that was the most beautiful thing i have ever heard. and i love it.

i love the addict. and the alcoholic. and their fullness. they still live. and they love. and they struggle. and they pain. and they share.

and they are loved. and they break mold after mold without even realizing how incredible they are. they are the truest forms of humble in my opinion (talking about that basic genre of people now...not just those two guys, although i would consider them the epitome of this genre).

anyways, so there ya go.
conversations of passionate addict with good and basic hope.

i love it. love love love it.

oh ya! and the name Libby-not my real name. I didn't want to put my real name (although i absolutley ADORE my real name).
but i wanted something different that meant something. and i don't really like the name Libby actually. I do like the words liberal and liberation. and i like associating myself with people that are liberated and are liberal. don't get me wrong, throw me a conservative every now and then so i can keep a brain in my head, but i really can't deny any longer the fact that i believe more liberalistic beliefs...i just do. take me or leave me. and i love the feeling of liberating myself from this world. from this corrupted fucked up world. and i love other people that are like this. and i love other people that aren't.

but yea, Libby is in essence short for liberated and liberal.
not my favorite name but i like the thought behind it...

It dawned on me....

It dawned on me that I really don't journal like I want to be, and I have a lot of things I want to write about. This really isn't for the eyes of anyone inparticular, I'm really not making this for eyes at all, actually. It's just for me. I mean, if you're reading this by all means keep reading, I guess that's why I'm making this public.....but then again, I don't expect anyone to ever read this in the first place.

It just gives me an incentive to write. i really do enjoy writing. and painting. i see writing as painting without paint or a canvas or a mess. just...with description. every painter paints with words before they paint with paint.
not ever painter writes it down.

i like to write it down.


and I am an addict. Just not on what you think.
we are all addicts for something. and that is a good thing. never think anything about you is a bad thing. its not bad.
it might be at the wrong time, it might be inconvienient, it might be useless, or just annoying. But i think that placing all those descriptions under one little word like "bad" is stupid. do we seriously have to label our vocabulary under basic four-year old adjectives? no.

nothings bad.

everythings misunderstood. but not bad, i don't believe anything is bad. except for sin. & as cliche as that may sound...well i really don't give a shit.

...i don't know where i was going with that.
but ill keep you (whoever you may be....if there is anyone which i highly doubt) posted.