hide, hide, you've got nothing to hide.

you gave me time, you gave me space, but i ain't never coming back oh it kills me just to speak it out loud.


i hope i can hear that.
really really bad.

ugh. ugh. ugh.

i'm afraid of hearing no, so i never ask.
i need to ask.
maybe my no will be a yes.

8 hours. overnight.
fun. fun. fun.

it has to work right?
itll be beautiful. the most wonderful time of my life.
and i think it will happen.

that's all ive gotta say right now.

i'm not posting this as john j. audibon

i told myself i would not do this on facebook.
but i secretly have always always always wanted to do this not on facebook.
so i will!

1. If someone says "is this okay", you say? I am trying to break your hear-wilco

2. What would best describe your personality?Give until there's nothing left-Relient K

3. What do you like in a guy/girl? Orange spider-mewithoutYou

4. How do you feel today? Noose like a necklace-kevin devine

5. What is your life's purpose? Skinny love-bon iver

6. What Is Your Motto? Brother-manchester orchestra/annuals

7. What do your friends think of you? white winter hymnal-fleet foxes

8. What do you think of your parents? Wolves (song of the shepard's dog)-iron and wine

9. What do you think about very often? I want a warning-idlewild

10. What is 2 + 2? there goes my gun-pixies

11. What do you think of your best friend? all my loving-beatles

12. What do you think of the person you like? burn to shine-ben harper

13. What is your life story? will i?- rent

14. What do you want to be when you grow up? keeping it down-winston audio

15. What do you think when you see the person you like? my blue heaven-taking back sunday

16. What do your parents think of you? gardenhead/leave me alone-neutral milk hotel

17. What will you dance to at your wedding? in the Lord's arms-ben harper

18. What will they play at your funeral?mykonos-fleet foxes

19. What is your hobby/interest? in love-jon foreman

20. What is your biggest secret? clown-harrison hudson

21. What do you think of your friends?till kingdom come-coldplay

22. What's the worst thing that could happen?we are nowhere and it's now-bright eyes

23. How will you die?showbiz-muse

24. Does anyone like you? dinu lipuati's bones-the mountain goats

25. If you could go back in time, what would you change? father brian finn-right away great captain (song of my life)

26. What hurts right now? how soon is now? -the smiths

27. What will you post this as? john j. audibon-anathallo

la-di-da-di-da-di-da-di-da

her name is marcy and she's such a darling, she wears her black eyes instead of fine jewlry.


im hoping for a lot of things right now. and wondering if any of them will come true.
i'm trying not to put God in it, because it will make me dissapointed in Him if stuff doesn't happen.

but it's hard not to blame God. i'm good at that. i do it often.

i just hope everything works out.

i've got more homework than a....well, i just have a lot of homework.
and....that's all i've got.

feed my presents to the Christians

Ok sorry, but there is something that i really really like that i wanted to put somewhere.
Sunday, best sermon evereverevereverever.
it was on 2 timothy. basically, paul, /9the head hancho beast-man that can convert anybody anytime and take more beatings and hell than any other man and still manage to get on his knees and weep to his Daddy) is on death row, writing to nanny-pants Timothy who gets the terrifying honor of filling Paul's shoes once he his martyered. basically, paul is telling timothy that he has to take the lead, buck up, and get stuff straight with believers. he has to end divisions in churches, ands stuff. and then paul gives the lovley encouragement that in doing this, timothy will most likley have the same fate as paul.

paul died for it.
timothy died for it.
and they knew that they would.

paul could have weasled his way out, if he took back a few things, made some pomises to some romans to never preach again.
but he didn't. he believed in the words in the bible so fiercley that he died for them.
he had such a flame blazing in his soul that he got himself martyered for it.

the bible is power. the bible can get you murdered.
holding in my hands every night is a book that has been the reason behind murders.
the words on the pages that i read is the same truth that people like paul preached and died for.
and yet, i barley take notice to these words.
i scan over them like they are just some silly poem, and close the power up and do it agian the next night.

do i realize that i am reading the most powerful book in the world? the holy spirit LITERALLY lives in the pages, everytime i open up the bible, God pokes his head out. and i pay no attention whatsoever.

people DIED for the truth in ink.
people were beat. bad. just read 1st corinthians 11, or 12? one of those. it says all that paul went through. the countless stonings, the shipwrecks, starvation, whipping, imprisonments, all this terrible stuff, and he did it all for the same book I am holding in my hands.

why do we not regard how powerful the bible is?
because it is. SO powerful.

it is so dangerous. the bible can produce a fire in you that can get you murdered.
holding that book in the wrong country can get you arrested. it is FEARED by people.

am i wiling to die for the truth in the bible? am i willing to give my life completley, like paul and timothy and friends, for the truth?

am i willing to die for anything?

we would have gotten farther if we never really started at all

dun dun, dun dun, dun dun, dun ding don diiinnng ding.

you have to be inside of my head to understand this.
i haven't posted in a few days.
to keep you updated, i am happy as a clam. and hearing and seeing an aweful lot, and not feeling the overbearing drown and gurgle of stress.

it's nice. it's life.
i'm nice. i'm life.

i don't know what to give up. i feel like if i give up food, i will be doing it for all the wrong reasons. but i could give up my lunchtime during school and fast. i met a girl once who did that, she would go somewhere in her school during her lunch, and fast and pray and have jolly good times. where would i go in my school? theres the bathroom, but it smells bad....and people would totally know that i was skipping lunch to hide in the bathroom....

theres the library? a little distracting.
a classroom? nope. humph.
no where.

maybe i wont do that then.
mahybe ill give up facebook? to generic. and i haven't been on facebook as much so that's not really impairing me from God.
ipod? eek. i don't want to.
but that would be the one thing that does put me away from Him more and more.
but i can't possibley imaginve functioning daily without that thing.
maybe God wants to show me how i can.

i don't really want him to. cause i don't wanna give up music. it's too much a part of me. more than God? no. it's different.
i kinda like the lunch idea the more i think about it, but that's just because i'm trying to get my mind of the ipod scenario.


ill pray about it...later.....

i am totally not helping my huge homework load problem.
i have nothing deep to say.
i hope that april 20-something or may 30-something works. i'll MAKE it work heehe.
i applied for ajob at bruster's today.
i um....oh ya, i'm trying to decide what to do about painting classes in april. yey? ney?
depends.

ok that's it now.

"I know you've been abandoned, but don't abandon ship on me."

Just know like a winter white as snow, you've been forgiven. come back to me. i know right now that don't mean anything.
From a father to his daughter
My prodigal child, come back to me
From a sinner to his Maker
Your prodigal son is on his knees
Sweet God, please hold on to me
Sweet God, hold her please, oh please
The day she tries to fly
Hold me, the day I try to fly

come on sam, you don't even have feathers.



good day.
still worrying. but i somehow am realizing I DONT CONTROL ANYTHING. there is nothing for me to control. none of it is mine. NONE.

engrave that in my stubborn head Jesus because it's getting really hard to remember.

i said a comment in class about never dreaming, and last night i had a dream for the first time in a while, and my teacher said that when people don't dream it could be because they are so stressed.

wow. so right.
i feel like i should get a stomach ulser or something from worrying so much.
waisted efforts, silly girl.
you don't own anything to worry about. jeeze.

"Calm down, Calm down, it's alright."

how did pablo know to sing this song? i'm not a big fan of the tune, but it keeps chorusing in my head, begging me to calm down.
i'm really trying pablo, i promise.

i've just got to figure a toooonnnnnnn of crap out in the next 48 hours or so and it's eating away at me. i don't know what to do.
i'm really gunna be roughing up my knees tonight that's for sure. and tomorrow. and the next day. i don't know. i just really need to slow down, slow down. calm down calm down, it's alright.

wooosssshhh. breath, sally.
deep.
calm.
still.
deep. quiet. still. calm.

"So raise up and be calm, O Lord
Oh, be calm
Oh, be strong, oh my Goddamn be strong"
oh andy hull. you always know what to say.
i feel calm.

it's time to test what i learned this weekend.
so soon? thanks Jesus.
but i'm not worrried about that. i'm just still on backlash from a year of silence to even think that i'll get what i want to hear. but i'm reading James, which is about faith. faith that is so undying and intense that as followers of Christ we believe it can move mountains. and i've got a lot of mountains in my life right now.
do i really believe that Jesus can move them?
i want to. badly.
james says that faith without action is worthless. if i want faith in Jesus but take no action to listen or learn, it's worthless.

so tonight that's what i'll be doing. reading, and praying and listening. face down. listening. and i'm not getting up until i get some answers.

"Where have we been?"

interesting question. where HAVE we been God?
i know where you have been. but where have I been? how have i gotten to where i am today?
i feel like everything about me is different from three years ago when i first started following you. i'm not even sure if i really and truly loved You when i "prayed the prayer". i wanted to. but i don't know if i did. I'm not sure when i really first started loving you. it just...happened. there isn't a specific time. i wish i could remember....

i do remember my thinking changing. my darkest nights and my brightest days. i remember when i shouted out praises to you one night and the next night cuss you out. i remember feeling more complete and loved one day, and a week later going through some of the darkest times of my life.

i remember shouting to you daily for an entire 6 months "GOD, MY GOD, WHERE EXACTLY HAVE YOU BEEN?" and i remember feeling my face lifted off from the ground the night you answered. surprisingly in the same way. "child, my child, where have YOU been?"

so now, where have we been? where are we going?

i consumed my school day reading the irresistible revolution (amazing amazing amazing) and i gotta say, all i really wanna do now is sell everything i have to follow Jesus wherever He takes me.
i want to love without limits and without fear. and give everything God has given me so that others may see Him in me.
because i do not exist, i faithfully insist. only you exist.

so with all that said. high school seems pointless to finish with so many people out there hurting. why do i have to spend two more years here when i could be out there?
i can't wait to find out where we will go.

"Who is your Humble?"

How does He Humble you?




i am waisting my time writing all this.
i have a huge test tomorrow and i am hardly prepared but that doesn't seem to be bothering me. I gave that worry away on Saturday and it really did work. wow Jesus you actually do know what you are talking about with me. You won't let me mess up my life because you will catch me.

that's really all i want to say today.
i ate a lot of chocolate today and i feel kind of sick.
i caught up on some much needed sleep.
i did in fact make my 25 facts note on facebook. :[
i wish i could go back and relive this past weekend.
i wish i could go buy a hammock.

ummm.....
that's all i've got.

Hide- you've got nothing to hide
But you're under the thumb of Creation
With your mouth full of sand and your silence in hand
You will sink like a stone all the way back home
Oh what a clear and beautiful day
And I, with my pruning shears,
Think I'll go down to the subway train
And cultivate what I hear
The melody's ripe- the rhythm beats true
And that glorious harmony clear
Their voices, they reach, like light through a pane
Of stained glass, to my ears

"We are FREE, woooahhhohhah"

I just got back from the beautiful mountains of Tennessee, where every single breeze of wind screams the glory of God (in my opinion at least).

let me tell you, best weekend I could have asked for.
i went totally unplugged. I capped my pen for journaling, i closed my thoughts off and I attempted to listen to my Dad. needless to say, give a girl two hours in the most beatiful spot ever, she is bound to hear something. good or bad, she WILL hear.

i heard. through the freezing of my feet, the physical fight I had with my black worries, through the disection and casting of those worries, through the birds catching fish and the breeze blowing through my hair and the wind stopping the lake when it was time for me to be STILL.
oh yes, I heard.

and i heard even later, when the music was shouting praises and all i could do was surrender everything and make each word i sang as true a statement to my heart and to my God as possible. if i couldn't, i wouldn't sing it.
i am so rejuvinated from the chaos of this burdened world. I am sitting here in my dad's arms and I am loving loving LOVING the beautiful stuff he is showing and teaching me.

i just drank some green tea, and i am about to go figure out a schedule for my new quiet times and later watch some nick and norah's infinite playlist and take a shower and paint a little maybe and do laundry and then crash in burn to some sleep.

tomorrow i will get back into the funk of the world and study. and i will cast each burden of mine onto my peaceful God.
and see where that takes me.

"unveil my life. take away my disguise. make me all for you. there is solace in Your solitude."

i 100% believe that.
i 100% believe in you.
i think i might go to that 25 facts note on facebook. i just want to. don't judge me, OK?!
hehe.

"In a Sweater Poorly Knit"

I am leaving today in aproximetley one hour. i can't spell.

i'm excited. i wasn't, but now I am. I'm just ready to be surrounded by natural beauty and people who love me and i love them. and a God who loves me and i love Him. we just don't get to see each other that much in atlanta. but I try, i really do.

like today. i went on a three hour drive with my momma to get some hours in, and i wanted to go downtown. so we took ponce all the way down there (which really isn't that far) and we went down some awesome streets and my favorite song was blaring through the speaker and I just saw God. specifically when we drove through little 5 and my heart not only broke one thousand times for all the homeless/druggies on the street, but also rejoiced for the fact that I would one day meet them, or people like them that is.
and my soul yearned for the city.
and I saw God.

and that started to get me excited for this little outing I'm going on. to tennessee.
i will be best friends with solitude, with silence, with the wind.
and my ears will be on and my mouth will be off and my heart will be open and my mouth will be closed. and i will just BE.

no worry zone.
no stressing zone.
God I just hope we get some noise out of this. and not just me. please please please.
don't worry, He said of course we will.

since my heart is already in my throat I just wanna throw out there to the internet and whoever the hell reads this (probably only like one person, but whatever)
that I am giving it up now. Judy got to me.
this weekend is my trust weekend. i'll probabbly do something really stupid like jump off a cliff.

hopefully not though.
ok well on that happy note. i'll go pack now.
see you folk(s?) sunday.
can't say that i will miss you (whoever you may be, but certainly not my reader because i will in fact be with her) but anyways.




i wanna taste a vortex cheeseburger and feel the needles on my colar bone and hear the beats throb through my earloabs and feel the hands of the dispared squezing mine.
ugh. i wanna HAVE MY LICENSE!

ok now, for real i'm going.
um bye.

"Waiting for my ride to come, I slipped in a pile of summer slime. Waiting for my time to pass, I slip in a moment of always being right."

Wow. interesting day.

not really, I just thought I'd say that.
well I guess I could call it an interesting day, due to the fact that my whole summer just got turned upside down and there was NO song of the day waiting for me when I got home. hopefully harrryhud will put one up tonight. hopefully.

it's my sisters birthday.
anyways, back to summer:
I don't know what I'm exactly doing but I think it involves me missins something. I feel God calling me away from one thing and to another thing. and it makes me sad. but He is cushioning the blow a little bit. I know that if I miss it, I will be pretty upset.

I'm just not feeling it. lie. I am. but I'm wondering if I should be doing something else instead?
hm. the only bad thing is I have to decide soon on all accounts. i can't wait till past march. but I wanna wait till then. that would give me time.....

I guess I'm just gunna have to trust.
ok, fine I will.

"When I wake, stretching my branches, I find myself in a moment of Weakeness."

ok, well that's about it.
i'm losing everything. and gaining everything.
but i don't own anything. i own all of nothing.

i like the place i'm at right now. give or take some minor (and one major, or two, or...well alot actually) details.
contentness is found in nothingness. and i'm trying Jesus, ok?

"fall down broken, no words spoken, still i love you, come home and soon"

i could listen to Harrison Hudson's voice all day, every day for the rest of my life.
oh. my. gosh. it's just...beautiful.
The red rythem came out today, so in ode to beautiful weather and beutiful music i laced up me shoes and took a three 1/2 mile run (so i could listen to the entire thing duh) and now my legs are killing me and my teeth still hurt. and i am listening to harrison hudson. but probably will switch to some more red rythem. but maybe not. who knows.

im about to start a bunch of more paintings because i've gotten a lot of new ideas. my favorite is from a kdev song called "me and my friends" but i think the next thing i will paint will actually be a really pretty scenery picture from sharptop. i'm using a neutral milk hotel song with that ( king of flowers part 1). i've got some more ideas, i just can't remember them right now. sorry. i really need to write this kind of stuff down. oh ya i remember!!!!

latley i've been drawing objects coming out of eyes, such as flowers, people, and trees. and one day in espanol i was sketching out a tree coming out of an eye, and i just made that eye fit into a face that was laying down, and made each part of the body a different part of a garden. needless to say, it looks pretty crappy but i think i could spruce it up into something pretty sweet. so i'm excited about that, and this tree of life thing ive been drawing (ive been really into trees latley...and water...) but yea. that's all about that.
i guess if i forget now, then i will have here to look!

i wish i had more intelligent, thought provoking things to say. i really just don't.
i drew a cool flower today stuck in a cage from the jon foreman song "broken from the start". i like it a lot. maybe i'll paint that too.

or maybe not.

i just listened to the most beautiful song ever. sorry, i had to say that. it gave me chills.
ok bye now.

"It's pretty but you hate yourself, I can hear it clear as day."

I said I sing like this, it sounds worse than it is. I"m ok, ok. So just stay, just stay.

I had an aweful day yesterday, due to the fact that I had to spend two hours at the dentist with my mouth wide open, get 4 shots and the crap drilled out of my teeth. it hurt like nobody's business and i came home and passed out for two hours and then had to force myself to do three hours of homework and miss younglife. I couldn't chew anything.
so, yay...not really.

new CD comes out today.
Oh the dogs are after me
Bringing judgment on their breath and execution on their teeth
Oh my God, they're after me
So get the hell out of here, after all
I've got to move to be free

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that's what my afternoon will entitle. listening to that.
yes? yes.
on other fun and exciting stuff. i talked to a really awesome "mentor" (you could call her that but i really hate that word...so friend is better) about predestination. and she told me her views.
she said A) she doesn't really concern herself in that bit of theology just because it is an argument that tears up the Body. B) if she did concern herself with it, she doesn't belief in it. Because why would God damn people to hell? doesn't make sense (i totally agree).
I read her the verse in romans about predestination, and she wondered why not everyboyd could be included in that verse. what if Jesus predestines everybody, and it's our own fucked up faults for failing to Love Him?. She thinks that everyone is predestined (why would God create people NOT to be predestined?!) and it is the fall of man/ the power of sin that keeps people away from His love...NOT God Himself.
and i completley agree with her.
and she also said something really cool. what if some people have a moment right before they die where God gives them another moment to reckon with him? I think about that all the time, and I mean, of course no one will ever know about ANY of this stuff for sure, but why not?

plus, if we are NEVER going to know the right answer about any of this stuff, we might as well just pick what we believe, instead of having our churches (our conservative, reformed churches) shove something down our throat and tell us what to believe.
there's more than one way to look at this, more than one way to view it. and any of these ways aren't wrong, because none of them are officially right. we pick what we believe and pursue whole-heartedly the Father behind it.
that's all ive got.

"Soft Silly Music is Meaningful Magical, the Music is Wonderful"

Music makes me feel.

it makes me feel like i can do whatever i want.

on other happy notes, the weather is lovely. i sat outside soaking up the piedmont park rays yesterday feeling completely at bliss. well actually two days ago now.

it was like every single care that was heavy on my chest and heart was lifted for 20 minutes. that hasnt happened in like.....two/three months. maybe....
on other news.
my head is living in a book. my heart is living in a sound. my soul is living in a hope. my lungs are living in preperation for what's to come. my blood is living in a vein.

i had a dream last night (!!) (i never remember my dreams) (it kind of sucks)
but i remembered a little about last night.

i was talking, and saying this phrase/joke thing that this guy from my favorite band says all the time. and he was standing right next to me and he looks at me and smiles and says "i like how this girl thinks."
that's all i can remember. but at least i remembered that much.

i don't want to go to school.
i know what they want and i know they don't want me to stay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

i keep thinking about that chapter in Blue Like Jazz (read it if you haven't) about Don Miller not loving himself and so he won't allow other people to love him.

this is all.

"Means Everything to Nothing"

i am struggling through each new day of school.
and it's sucking pretty awefully.

i hate EVERYTHING about it.

if i had more classes with some certain amazing people. then it would be somewhat diluted into a dull moan of awefullness.
but right now it is the epitome of terrible things and i HATE it.

the only thing keeping me going is nothing.
it means everything to nothing.
the dirtier the sound
the best i breathe
i tried to do it all for you
it didn't do anything for me

ive been talking in song lyrics alot latley.

music. that's keeping me going. not even art right now because i haven't had a burst of creativity in a while which majorly sucks.

jeeze.
i just want this year to end.
i am gunna make it through this year if it kills me. i wonder what john darnielle thought when he wrote those words. if he willed them to be true. if he remenisced on his crappy painful childhood. if he hoped for a better year. probably all of that.

This will be our year
Took a long time to come.

i thought 2009 would be my year like pablo and the zombies said it would.
wrong. aboslutley wrong.
2009 has been fucked since the day it started. i got lost on new years day.
maybe i was never really back on track.

but despite all this shit there is one thing that has been good.
and that's Jesus.
how can everything be so bad, and jesus be so good?
it totally contradicts EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING. but maybe that means everything to nothing.
oh mr. hull in your infinite wisdom, you describe more about me than even i do.
i wish we were married.

oh Jesus in your infinite wisdom, you set chain after chain for me to break and still remain good.
i don't know but im really glad you are who you are.
i guess it's a good thing i am who i am.
but then again, all those everythings might just mean absolutley nothing.
or maybe i've got friends in all the right places.

"Give it up now"

Judy the Alpha Queen know what I'm talking about.
maybe i don't even know what i'm talking about.

have you ever felt like your life is a cycle? and that no matter how much you don't wanna do something, you still have to do it?
there is no way to escape life that is within reason. it just keeps going. time keeps ticking.
how brutal.
how absolutley cruel life can be to a teenage girl just trying to live a life of passion and acceptance and pursuit. and has to instead live a life of pattern and ugliness and quickness.

time seems to be going faster every day and i am not even thinking anymore.
i really think i need to think.

when i realize it's a pattern and not a phase, it's what i've become and it's what i will stay. that's ballgame. (thankyou mr. devine)
it's time for a change.
i'm sinking like a stone in the see. i'm burning like a bridge for your body . (thanks mr. lacey)

i don't know what i'm typing anymore.
i don't know what i'm living anymore.
a pattern. not a phase.
i don't want this to be what i've become and what ill stay. i want to think.

I REALLY THINK I NEED TO THINK.
why can't i think?!
why am i mindless all of a sudden?! i don't think. i just do .
i hate doing. i like thinking.
but not part of my body wants to change that.
i don't know HOW to change that.

give it up now, says judy the alpha queen.
i love judy the alpha queen.
mr. bonz was the first dream i had in a long time. i don't remember what was said, but it was said.
that much i do remember.
mr. bonz, if we ever meet bring dee and ill bring judy and we can have a party and you can teach me how to give it up now.




so that entire blog you probably don't understand.
i wouldn't expect you too.

"As long as I can think I really think I need to think"

I got home yesterday. I don't want to be in today. I want to stay in yesterday, and not be in this moment right now because I have a feeling that this will not be a good day. every part of my body is screaming for me to not be in this moment. but whether i'm ready or not, life keeps moving fast and i have to hope that my legs can move as fast.

it wouldn't be so bad if i was in new york. word.

Sharptop was great and relaxing. i got to talk to a bunch of friends i haven't talked to in a while, and relized how similar we all are in where we are in life right now. give or take the party scene.

we all miss thinking. we just do.
life is to fast for thinking. and we got caught up in the doing.
i want to think again, legitimate thoughts about emotions and standards and beauty and religion and happiness and pain. i don't think anymore i just coast through life doing.
but how do you change that? we can't slow down time. i don't know how we can do it, but in the words of a passionate addict (andy hull) "as long as i can think i really think i need to think".

ill try to do it today. don't know how, but i'll try.