"I can't find the word i'm looking for"

sick.
that's all you need to know.


les miserable.

good play. beautiful story and character.
don't know where that came from. i'm miserable.
but yet, enjoying it. i'm too weak for school. m'sorry moma, whaddiya 'xpect?

i woke up this morning sobbing. prolly cause i was not feeling good, but also because i just can not do school anymore. the days are longer. nothing to look foward to. summer. oh sweet summer. you fool me. i thought we were buds. guess not you asshole.

ya, that's right. i just said it. and i'll say it again. ITS FUCKING APRIL.
i need to be done with school. i honestly can't do it anymore.
m'sorry God, whaddiya 'xpect? i mean, you of all people would know i can't handle this.
there comes a time when enough is enough.
i've had enough.

and yet, there is that tiny tiny microscopic sanity in me that screams at the larger, stronger being inside of me to shutup.
wow God, when did you get so small?
when did satan get that big?
i don't know when. he probably ate a lot of doughnuts and got obese. fatty mcfatso.
God, on the other hand, got anerexic.
oh the irony. not really irony.
my stupid brain.
i don't know what i'm saying.
i'm sick, ok?!

I tamed a lion once-i stole his roar.

just one of those days where i am constantly reminded how much i am loved and cherrished.

i don't have much more to say.
oh wait, that's a lie.

God has been awesome awesome awesome today.
and kinda creapy, as in he gave me a vision/visual thing of what the fall of man could have possibley looked/felt like.

i'll do my best to describe this intricate picture in my mind:

it really is a fall. Eve is the first one out, falling through time/space/ whatever onto the darkness of earth. she clumps to the ground, clutching her kneees as her swollen, tear streaked face crumbles beneath the emotion she feels. adam is next. it's dark. cold. scary. eve is screaming hard for adam, her voice cracking. she feels alone. all joy gone. God isn't with them anymore. she's blind because she has never seen darkness before, and gropes around for adam to have someone with her. in the process, she strips her pointless clothes off, hoping that would make things better. she vomits up the apple, maybe that would make it better. her hand touches something cold and shaking, adam. a swif breeze comes through, choking the couple as haunting hisses and cracks blow throuhg their brain-satan rules on earth. and he is letting them know that they WILL suffer. after the initial week of regret, shock, fear, and emptiness, the two try to make things work. they farm, pray, scream, eat, adjust.......wondering where God was.

they missed Him.


happy birthday.

"I find Myself in a moment of Weakness."

I miss you mom.
i wanna leave lake wannatonk.

"Mother told me if you join the military you will become the general, if you become a priest you will become the pope, instead i became a painter, and wound up as picasso."

or something like that.
you don't know how high i can fly.
no one does.

i feel like everything i say and everything i do is not the best i can do.
i feel like i am so much more of a person in the pit of my stomach and the inner core of my brain and the slimy middle of my intestines than in my wretched tongue, shallow words and crappy artwork.
there is so much more in me-so much more about me-that i don't wave around.
my colors are thriving on the inside, but the outside remains a dull grey.
why i am so self consciouse about the beauty and passion and mess inside, well that's a good question my God.

the sky cried for me today. the tears i am unable to produce. i can't cry strangley enough. i hate that.
i like to show emotion sometimes. i like to show what i am.
they call holidays an option-it's pretentious. i can feed it with the lions to the christians. those lions are coming. oh they're coming for me. for me.


alaska, you rock. you just flat out amaze me in all the right, wonderful ways. and i thank you for that. for your wonderfulness. color.

maybe ill start my color.
nobody knows my color.
it doesn't have a name, it's too beautiful.
i'm so hidden. but i don't/ i do like that.



when i wake, stretching my limbs, i find myself in a moment of weakness.
gobotron=love.

a choice is a choice and God I've made it

there are some times when i wonder why i am so fortunate to be listening to such good music sometimes.

art is doing good.

i've got a creative spurt going on and it ROCKS.

i've got a wonderful wonderful ear.

and an aweful present-day future.



i argues alot.



and hate myself a lot.

but i love something. that's why i'm still here right?

right.

it has to be. there's something holding me on to this earth, my own personal gravity.



there's still something.

last night i sat with my legs hanging out of my window and i sang. it was so great.

i realllllyyy reallyyy enjoy a couple people at my school. on saturday i went downtown with them and i felt like i was living a movie with a bunch of misfits from mean girls. it was AWESOME.

if only i had classes with them. i think i would enjoy school if i did. but it's ok. maggie and me deviced a plan and it's going into action today. i'm a bohemian storm brewing. a sunset lightning in my bones. and i'm ok.

And I have been feeling this good for a reasonMy friends and my family

You all are my backbone

You keep me balanced and settled

And I'm in debt to you all endlessly.

this is double spacing for some reason. annoying.

shake it out. shake it out. love you judy the alpha queen.

I know what they want, and i know they don't want me to stay.

aweful day.


i've got friends in all the right places, i know what they want and i know they don't want me to stay.

the dirtier the soun the best i breath, i tried to do it all for you, it didn't do anything for me.

i can't play where i'm not supposed to be, anways.



it really was just a terrible day.
i skipped class.
i nearly broke down in tears.
i yelled at someone.
and i don't understand math.


i'm going to go releave my stress now.
thankyou paint.


and thankyou mr. hull . for speaking words when i can't.
as cheesy and true as that is.


"be calm, oh my God i am strong.
am i strong?"

LA-DI-DA-DI-DA-DI-DA-DI-DA.
grow some wings.

i know judy the alpha queen, i know.....

it's hard.


my prayers are so strong and full of want and need that they have stopped becoming words and started becoming a deep feeling/emotion that is too strong to formulate into words. that's a good and bad thing i guess.

"your still just a little girl"

time ticks.
and life moves.
and i stay. wanting nothing to happen. wanting nothing to go on.
just to stay.

i spent my morning with passion and poverty lifting up my father on my knees with about a hundred homeless men and women and about 50 others coming from all walks of life.
and i saw the cries of the opressed and heard the stories of the redeemed. we don't truly love and live for God until we give everything we have.
until we put down our crack pipes in the church offering and never pick one up again.

until we die to ourselves.
until we die to the world.

well i've been dead for a while.
and i've been yearning for a while.
it's not hard to see if you open your eyes.

i want to be in new york so bad it hurts every part of my body.
the deep pit of my soul and heart ache for the city.
every part of me longssss to be there.

i long to be there.
i want a lot of stuff right now. but i'm not gunna get a lot of stuff right now.
but that's life.
it's not made to be fair, or enjoyble, or easy.
it's made to be screwed up.

oh my God, my God, where is your kingdom?
oh my Child, my Child, where IS my kingdom?
yea, we get it. well, i get it. it's here. but we aren't.

nobody lives the kingdom anymore described in micah and the gospels and revelations.
nobody takes the word of life, the word of the martyrs seriously.

i'm beginning to take it seriously.

"don't you know i'm not a martyr, but you're making me believe"

the last one :[
"Among the great clouds, marketed in an unwitting way, I strolled (trickled lightly). Using mystical powers I emerged from the encumbered hole that then relapsed and relapsed into itself OVER and OVER and OVER. Of course I was worried, but I had no choice but to simply move on. I had come here with nothing and damnit I'll leave here with nothing. These marks on my arm are beginning to worry me more though...They're beginning to itch and ooze and coil together. I'll find water soon. I just have to keep moving. "

"Most days I can't put to rest the burning city smoking in my mind."

40 million refugees with no place on this earth to call their home....One for every aimless graduate with nothing else to show for it but loans....And those of us who make a mark using someone else's blood....Our western stain won't wash away, won't vanish in the flood.....It's just deeper with each hurricane and tidal wave and war

We want everything we see and once it's gone we just want more

thankyou kevin devine for being the sun on my face. you are so wonderful.

because i still can't seem to satisfy my craving for it : (and i have nothing else to say, my head hurts like nobody's business)

"OH, I never want to sleep again. Sick memories and dyer puppies scatter amongst the shadows of the moon-lit grass. Im surprised, and no, I shall never re-evaluate the newness of love. It shant be here again. Quick, Quigly, march the temple floors callous and hard; Impending recompense and goulash fear, languid in its sense and form and trials. Be my savior."

i might have put this one already. but i'll do it again. i'm tired. i like it.

off to bed-o. exhausted.
state game tomorrow.
yay?


in the blood of the martyr is the seed of the church.
the peace of the revolution is in the wind of the spirit.
the movement of Christ is in every single particle alive on this earth.
and we are the body, broken and shattered and beautiful and wonderful.
and the slaughtered lamb reigns as king over our lives. and our citizenship in heaven just came down to earth. because His kingdom is growing. right out of our very souls.

night.

"Someday boy you're gunna break those chains"

come on jamie....


harrison hudson continuously makes my day a million and two times better.
i want to marry you. and have you sing to me every night before we go to bed.
and kiss you all the time.

ok i'm done.

i conked out after school and was rudely awoken an hour and a half later to go to the final 4 bball game for tuc. we won. state friday. beasts.

i swear they should make a movie about our school. we are dirt broke and are winning state in more than one sport. we have no football field and no gym. ironic isn't it?
at least make a movie about the bball team...it could rival coach carter (amazing movie btw)
i would watch it :]

i'm so flipping tired. and i have math to do and showers to take..
i would rather sleep.

"you MUST sleep man"
fine mr. hull. gosh.
um. so yes, i'm ready to hear about my summer plans. as in, NOW. right NOW.
"calm down, calm down, it's alright."
i want some mellow mushroom please.


in other nonsense, my license would be a huge wonderful niceness, that and being 18 years old for two days.
ugh. i can't see my hubby (well one of them) because i'm too teensy.
sucks. everything. dirty.

and math is basically eating me alive.








GODDAMNIT SALLY GIVE IT UP NOW.

well judy the alpha queen you always say that too me, but HOW?!

"It's Collateral damage, it's the cost of war"

it's another bag of bones for the gods to sort.
it's just another bag of bones for the gods to sort.


and there's NOTHING left over to go get no more.
it's not what we're owed but it's what we've earned. it's closer than we realize.
it's time now to burn.


kevin devine will you marry me?


i keep having to rub my temples and tell myself two things.
that i am not in control of anything at all whatsoever.
and that the force in charge of everything happens to be my Dad who will work all things out for the most amazing times of my life. and trust trust trust will be my best friend right now.

"i do not exist" we faithfully insist.

only you exist.

"when your chances fall in your lap like that, you gotta recognize them for what they really are"

i climb in shotgun and reach into his mouth, and grab on to one long sharp tooth and hold on.
for dear life.

i really don't have much to say except how deeply much I love Jesus.
it's really just intensifying every day. He is so much more of a PHYSICAL presence in my life and mind and body. sometimes, when i ask HIm too, right before I'm sleeping He'll put His arms around me.
and peace flows.

i don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life, but i know how i'm going to do it.

judy the alpha queen told me it's going to be epic. different. and true and beautiful.

i just ate a lot of cake and i shouldn't have.
i walked home from school today with MO blaring in my ears, and i just felt like everything was waking up to great me. like the Earth and the trees and the wind were all dancing right in front of me, telling me to arise and ignite and burn with passion.

i've got some homework to do. and some reading to do.
good books have been some of my friends latley.


oh jermaine and brett, i wish you would dine with me tonight.
well definitley brett, and i guess jermaine can come to. but i have to apologize in advanced for staring, there is just something so intensley ugly about you.

"Man, I've been wasting so much time"

Walking the same street every night
Don't you think it's about time?


i'm reading the best book ever. and it's literally changing everything i have ever thought about everything.
i don't care if it makes me sound like an idiot, at least i have my own opinions now. i feel like before, i just ate up what people fed me, but now i'm hunting my own food. and i like it. it gives me a sense of direction and individuality. and i like it.

because i can't get enough of this:

"Oh, good grief. Distant croup from the Pharaoh finds himself at a disadvantage. I'm a colleague of a distant grudge. I cannot imagine what this all means and even more than that I cannot find my own firm grip to grapple onto. Sift. That's the word I meant to mean and all I ever wanted was to figure all of this to pieces. No, No, No, you're wrong you fool. Please, be normal. Please...single unaccompanied grudge, flee and cling to the ugly single-most feeling you can find. None of this is kosher, none of this is right. I will write a song to find the meaning of meaning and I will soon return to Oglethorpe in a masterful manner. Only I, only I will respond to the glory that is what has come to be. Figuratively of course. Only in that...only in the simple mindset of a simple man will I, Sebastian, crumble 'neath the ridiculous love that besets me now."

again, you amaze me with your infinite beatuy and wisdom.



i was thinking about this earlier today: i literally have no life at school. no friends. i mean i have friends at younglife. but not at school. different. poo.
i have this vivd on-going daydream of my two best friends going to my school, and i literally think about that nonstop my entire day. if they were there, what would i be talking about? how incredibly cool would we be? they would have my back and we would do everything together.

i walk around my hallways thinking that if they were with me we probably would be linking arms and talking and laughing and loving and being.

how free would we be.

unfortunatley that is not the case. and i love and hate that.
i've wasted so much time to not stop now.
this piece of gum is stale and flavorless. my life isn't tho. and i love that. i love that.

something for the road was going to be put, but it was taken away and this was put instead.... so here ya go:
I swung my fiery sword;
I vent my spleen at the Lord.
He is abstract and bored -
too much milk and honey.

man, i liked the other one better. oh well.

marinated meat smells good. so do nails in wood.
so does ink on paper, paint on canvas, eyes on bible, sounds in eardrums, shoes off feat, heat on high, dirt under fingernails....

"i spit and scream what's done is done"

go make your peace with everyone.

God's economy is abundant says Shane. I am so excited to soon be able to live fully and abundantly off God.
to let my belly grumble with the starving children of the world. to give everything i have away, and yet gain the economy of God. and you can hold me to it, because i will give everything away. why should i have two coats and a homeless dude have none?


i think our world deeply misinterprets some scripture, and it's up to us to go back and interpret it in a way that puts fire in our souls and burns to be released. study the word, not just absorb the words and interpretations that others portray. because the bible is a living, breathing book with more than one way to look at it. i notice that i definitley have a one-way view of the bible and scrupitures in my mind from old sunday school classes and even from recent church sermons. but i read the scripture and come out with something completley different. the mystery of God is that is word is alive. it speaks. and i think our society watered down the Word. we water down what God is really calling us to do-to DIE unto ourselves and to give EVERYTHING away. the words of paul are very literal. they aren't just metaphors, or little suggestions that don't really mean what they say. no, paul was a guy. he was direct and to the point. he doesn't bullshit his way through stuff, he deliberatly says what he means.

and if you look at his life, you know he lived what he meant. and so did Jesus.

i am the biggest culprit of viewing the bible lightly.
the words on the pages are living and breathing and power and Jesus. and they give us instructions. and we brush it off, return to our materialistic worlds and tithe once a month. what the hell is wrong the the church?!

on a totally and ridiculously different note:

"OH GODDESS......
PLEASE, MY DARLING OF ENCUMBERED DELIGHT, SHALLOW WATERS DIVINE, COME FORTH. IN GLORIOUS DESIGN, I WONDER HOW (IN GOD'S MIGHTY RAGE) I FOUND YOU DESTINED HERE FOR (ALL UNMIGHTY GREATNESS) IN A SINGLE MISSHAPPEN....FUCK THIS. I'M SORRY MOM BUT I CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHAT IS RIGHT OR GODLY OR HOLY OR GIGGLY. I'M PSYCHED, BUT STIGMATIC. I FEEL ABSOLUTELY REDICULOUS AND I CANNOT WAIT TO GET BACK ONTO THE ROAD...MAYBE THEN IT WONT FEEL SO STAGNANT. MAYBE THEN I WON'T HAVE TO DESIRE SO MUCH CHANGE. YOU INCREDULOUS MONKEY. "

i really just love this man. with all my heart.

"I wanna be your fever, just to know i make you heated"

kinda scandelous.

oh well.

this is totally random, but i was thinking about johnny appleseed today.
i never think about him anymore.
it brought me back to a 7 year-old mindset.
i thought johnny appleseed was the SHIT. like, seriously. i thought he was SO cool. i wanted to do something impactful with my life like that. i pictured him really strong and burly and yet peaceful and harmonious with the anture around him. i picture him tenderly handling the seeds he planted and smiling with delight as they sprouted up.

why don't i ever think of johnny appleseed anymore?
my 7-year-old imagination was much more vivid and colorful and wonderful, it made my living so fun, and everything was a story to live out. i pictured my life like a book, each page elaboratley illustrated with beautiful words forming my actions. now, i feel like my life is a boring chalk board, that is outdated and a hassle. no matter how hard you try, it just can't always be clean, and it can't always be pretty. you can never make chalk THAT pretty. not like a story book.

i wish i was seven again.


i wanna find you chasing all the dreams you had, when you were just a little girl. i wanna hold you, when this broken world gets scary, cause you're still just a little girl.

"the results are back, now it's time to pack"

surely you'll understand that only gifted hands will recieve the chance to touch down on fortune.


snow.
beautiful gifts from God like this just make me happy.
i don't care if it's corny, it's what i see.

you have my jacket :]

this week is just going to be good, because i feel so good about everything right now.
i am so excited and happy and delighted and everything is just good.

i have an egg roll waiting for me in the fridge, i just had some deliecious coffee and am about to get some more, i have some homework waiting for me on the couch, but i don't mind doing it.
once i'm done, i have the beautiful feeling of relief and an episode of the office, along with a fresh new jane austen book or shane claiborne book to read, and hopefully a scary movie with the brother later tonight.
and then a beautiful night of sleep in andy devine, and tomorrow i will just have a splendid day of music listening, painting and wonderful blissfullness in the quiet confines of my own house.

i mean, it's not flight of the conchords awesome, but it gets pretty close.

i just feel like me and Jesus are pretty loveley right now, and that just makes everything in life seem so good.
I can feel Him around me. it's cool. like, latley i've been having a literal conversation with Him all the time. and i can feel His arms around me.
it's just...good. and basic. exactly what i am not.