"Give it up now"

Judy the Alpha Queen know what I'm talking about.
maybe i don't even know what i'm talking about.

have you ever felt like your life is a cycle? and that no matter how much you don't wanna do something, you still have to do it?
there is no way to escape life that is within reason. it just keeps going. time keeps ticking.
how brutal.
how absolutley cruel life can be to a teenage girl just trying to live a life of passion and acceptance and pursuit. and has to instead live a life of pattern and ugliness and quickness.

time seems to be going faster every day and i am not even thinking anymore.
i really think i need to think.

when i realize it's a pattern and not a phase, it's what i've become and it's what i will stay. that's ballgame. (thankyou mr. devine)
it's time for a change.
i'm sinking like a stone in the see. i'm burning like a bridge for your body . (thanks mr. lacey)

i don't know what i'm typing anymore.
i don't know what i'm living anymore.
a pattern. not a phase.
i don't want this to be what i've become and what ill stay. i want to think.

I REALLY THINK I NEED TO THINK.
why can't i think?!
why am i mindless all of a sudden?! i don't think. i just do .
i hate doing. i like thinking.
but not part of my body wants to change that.
i don't know HOW to change that.

give it up now, says judy the alpha queen.
i love judy the alpha queen.
mr. bonz was the first dream i had in a long time. i don't remember what was said, but it was said.
that much i do remember.
mr. bonz, if we ever meet bring dee and ill bring judy and we can have a party and you can teach me how to give it up now.




so that entire blog you probably don't understand.
i wouldn't expect you too.